Toni's POV
I can't believe Traci is gone. I'm so grateful that we could all be there with her in her final moments. This past year has been a whirlwind, but her illness has brought us closer together like never before. I go back and forth with my thoughts about all the time we wasted by being distant and disconnected but then I'm also grateful God gave us all time to reconnect before she passed.
I don't even know what life looks like without all of my sisters. I don't know how to be there for my mom, because I know she's hurting. I'm also worried about my other sisters because I'm the oldest and I want to make sure they're always ok. I know I need time to think about myself but I really can't think about me right now because I want to make sure everyone else is ok. I'm worried about Lil Kev and my boys..... Ugggh life just got really real. All I want to do is just be genuinely happy and healthy and live as long as I can for my boys.
Bryan has shown up for me in a way that I never thought possible. This man has never left my side. From the time I told him Traci was ill, he granted me the space, comfort and understanding that I needed during this difficult time. He wasn't only there for me but he was also there for my mom and sisters. He held our hands through the entire process. He offered to cover the funeral and even came to visit Traci a few times. I was so concerned about my loss I forgot they had a special bond too. They would crack inappropriate jokes all of the time and have hood jokes only they could understand. Lol .... I loved watching their relationship even though they would both drive me to drink sometimes. Traci would often tell me, "you're safe with him sis, I'm glad y'all have each other!" Those words mean so much more to me now that she's gone.
I appreciate his hugs and sweet kisses. Sometimes he just allows me to lay in his chest and cry in silence. His presence is all that I need in those moments and he gets it without me even saying a word. Now when I think back, he was at the hospital, funeral home, house when we were preparing everything and he never left my side once. When I think I can't love him anymore, I find new reasons to.
I know life has to go on, but it's hard waking up to this new reality. Most days I wake up and check my phone to see if it was all a dream. Unfortunately it's not ! 😢 I'm grateful that she's no longer in pain because it was so hard to see her suffer but I can't deny how much I miss my sister. Not having her pick up the phone is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.
Bryan POV
This has been a really rough month for Toni. It's really hard watching her mourn the loss of her sister. I'm also reminded of the pain of when I lost my sister and it's been over 15 years and it feels like it just happened yesterday especially now. I hate that she has to experience this and I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away. I try my best to be there and support her and be a shoulder to cry on, but also give her enough space to grieve.
The other night I heard her crying in the shower and that nearly broke my heart. I wasn't sure if I should go in there to hold her or just let her feel it and let it out. I decided to let her have that moment alone because I'm sure she didn't want me to see her break down. She came out the bathroom with the saddest eyes but also a sense of relief. I felt like she needed that moment because she was so concerned about everyone else's needs she often forgets her own. When she came out the bathroom she laid on top of me naked and fell asleep in my arms. I'm glad I can be here for her in that way. I wish I could do more, but she assures me this is enough. I would like to take her away for a little vacation just to regroup and get her mind off of things.
Although, her sister is gone I remind her she can take a pause but life still goes on. That Traci still wants her to live and be happy. That's really hard for her to do right now. She lost her drive and passion and she just wants to stay home and stay in the bed. I try not to force her to do anything different until she's ready but I don't want her to fall into a state of depression. She has placed everything on hold, rightfully so but I want her to keep moving because that's what Traci would want.
