Bad Habits

Letters To My Soulmate

24th November 4:24pm
Today marks one week since you've been gone. It's been the hardest week of my life. Ernest Hemingway said to write hard and clear about what hurts, so that's what I'm going to do. Except I don't feel anything. I'm completely and utterly numb and I don't feel a single fucking thing.

26th November 11:03am
I wish you had broken my heart. It would make this a whole lot easier. I miss you so much and it's only been a week and two days. What the fuck am I going to do?

29th November 7:12am
I woke up early today because I wanted to walk up that mountain. But once I saw those trees-that-could-be-skyscrapers-if-they-tried-hard-enough, I couldn't do it. All I could think of was that helpless fawn we saw and now I feel like that helpless fawn.

3rd December 9:34pm
It's your birthday in a month. I know that because Parker told me so long ago. He knew you would never tell me because you don't like gifts so he told me after I begged and begged him.

I hope you're happy.

4th December 5pm
Things you remind me of: cold tea on a scratchy throat, big sweaters to sleep in, the sky when the sun sets, hot chocolate on Christmas mornings, ladybirds, a cold pillow on a hot night, frangipanis.

8th December 3:56pm
What I'd give to watch the stars with you one more time.

10th December 11:32pm
I went to the lake today. There were people there. Can you fucking believe that, Beck?

13th December 2:45am
I'm scared, Beck. I'm scared that I'm going to push everyone away, just like you did. I know Parker will never give up on me, but it's starting to feel like Harvey and Eli are. And I don't know what to do about it. Why aren't you here? You always know the right thing to say.

15th December 9:04pm
I needed you today.

16th December 9:04pm
We graduated yesterday. You did too, but you weren't there. Some part of me wished you were going to just show up and walk across the stage like nothing ever happened. And the stupid part is that if you did do that, I don't know if I could find it in myself to be mad at you.

23rd December 4:37am
Two days 'til Christmas and you're everywhere but here and it hurts.

25th December 1:22pm
Merry Christmas, Beck. I love you. I'll see you when I fall asleep.

1st January 3:56am
I spent New Years with Parker and his family. It was nice. We played backyard cricket and Mario Kart on the Switch and we had so much food it wasn't funny. They told me stories about the times you would spend New Years with them and how it was always the one time of the year they'd see you genuinely smile. Maybe it was the thought of a new beginning? I don't know, and I guess I never will. But I hope you're smiling now. I hope you've found your new beginning.

2nd January 6:34pm
I have decided today that the only way to continue to live is to embrace grief. That's because grief only exists where love lived first. I know that you loved me as much as I love you, Beck. I just don't think you realised it. But me? I could've fallen in love with you with my eyes closed.

3rd January 10:30am
Happy Birthday, Beck. I still love you.

4th January 4:11pm
Whoever said loss gets easier with time was a liar.

10th January 3:37am
I'm looking for you in the stars, Beck, but I can't fucking find you.

15th January 8:44am
One day soon you're going to forget me and that's going to hit me like a truck. You'll forget the sound of my voice and what colour my eyes are. You'll forget how much I loved the song '8teen' and you'll forget the time we listened to it in the car and we turned it up so loud that people were staring at us from outside. Soon you'll see me as a stranger, you won't know me at all because you'll have forgotten and I'll be sitting here at this stupid piece of shit bar getting drunk, just trying to forget your name.