//dear leo// barsandmelody︱au︱

when the party's over

Don't you know I'm no good for you?
I've learned to lose you, can't afford to
Billie Eilish - when the party's over

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After hours of fitful slumber, Leo seemed to fall asleep somewhere around dawn. His mom joined me a little after six, eyes tired and drooping, but kept open by panic and fear she must have felt. I know I did. My mind kept going back to that phone call - if only I had picked up. Maybe things would be different; maybe we wouldn't be sitting around a hospital bed, praying for a damn miracle to shine down on us. Maybe, just maybe, if I'd been less consumed by my own anger, I would have been able to help him.

The what-ifs and could-have-been were killing me.

"Knock it off," Vicky mumbled and I stared at her, unsure who or what she was addressing.

"I can see the wheels turning in that mind of yours." with a yawn, she ran her hands through her short, mousey brown hair "It's not your fault."

"Feels like it is." I gave a small shrug, not aware of her sharp gaze on me.

"Might feel like it is, but it isn't."

I ignored her comforting words, instead choosing to wallow in my misery. In a way, it was my fault - he had reached out to me and I ignored his call. I had let him down and the knowledge of what happened sunk in, making the whole ordeal even worse. At first, it felt surreal, but as time went by and I sat by his bed, watching him toss and turn on the narrow bed, realization struck me – this was real and it was happening, right now. The inky bruises weren't disappearing and this wasn't another scare like before – Leo was assaulted.

And now we had to live with it. Each of us in our own way.

Time was an abstract concept in his mind. Leo opened his eyes, squinting at the harsh sunlight that was coming through the windows. Four solid walls and a private bed replaced the observation floor he was previously on, but Charlie was still sitting by his bed. Granted, he was slumping in the seat, head placed into his hand as he slept.

Leo smiled but quickly winced as the tube still taped to his cheek pulled on his skin. That would take some getting used to.

„You're awake." Charlie's whisper interrupted his inner musings.

„I'm sorry."

There was so much more he wanted to tell him, but an apology seemed the most needed and appropriate. The guilt ate away at him – he made all of them a promise months ago that nothing like this was gonna happen again. Yet, here they were.

„Please, don't." Charlie's words took him by surprise, as did the suddenly watery eyes „Don't apologize anymore."

„Any more?"

„You've been saying you're sorry the entire night," Charlie explained and Leo frowned.

„I don't remember any of that."

„Yeah, you were pretty out of it." A beat or two passed in absolute silence, with Charlie looking at anything but him.

„Do you.." after stalling for as long as he could, Charlie finally focused those blue eyes on him and Leo swallowed down the lump that had formed in his throat.

„Yeah, I remember that."

It was hard to forget something like that, although he wished he could forget. The pain spreading through his body, or the bruises that were marring his skin. The one thing he did forget? The very thing he needed to remember for the rest of his life. The face of the person that did this to him.

„I don't know how it happened."

„It's okay, you'll remember."

But that was the thing – he was blissfully unaware of it all. He didn't want to remember. Because if it was anything like the random flashes of pain he could remember, Leo wanted nothing to do with it. Some things were better left unknown.

They left it at that, sitting in silence until the first visitor of the day opened the doors and came in. After that, it was pure chaos unleashed. His mom came in, as did Tilly – both trying their hardest to keep the tears at bay, but Leo could see right through them.

And he felt terrible for placing them into this situation – again.

People came in and out all day, drawing blood and performing various tests. Leo was uncomfortable, flinching away and jerking every time someone reached out to touch him. Gentle fingers and touches felt like sandpaper against his skin and a voice in the back of his mind was screaming at him to get away from grabby fingers and unwanted touches.

„Are you alright?" after the 5th visitor of the day reached out and took his hand without even asking for permission, Charlie finally noticed something was wrong. Leo's face contorted in a grimace as the nurse wrapped the BP cuff around his arm – knowing Leo wasn't a big fan of physical touches before all of this, Charlie assumed that now it was completely out of the question.

„Yeah," Leo muttered, squeezing his eyes shut as unwanted memories of fingers pressing into the skin on his hips flooded his mind, growing in strength every time the nurse's fingers skimmed his skin.

„Give him a minute." Charlie's voice was coming from far away, or was that just his ears? Oh yeah, the buzzing in his ears was completely drowning out all other sounds in the room.

It was too much. All of it was too much. The people, the noises, the smells of disinfectant – he wanted to get out of there, but even the slightest movement was met by a sharp pain cutting across his middle.

„Are you back with me?" opening his eyes, Leo saw Charlie's face mere inches away from his and that quieted the noise in his head to a more bearable volume.

„Yeah, I'm back with you."

***

"You don't get to decide that!" the flinch I couldn't manage to hide made Charlie take a step back, and mercifully keep his voice in a more even tone. The shouting, I expected, but the raw emotion visible on his pale face? Not so much. I was wondering how long it would take him before he finally, inevitably exploded. And my answer arrived 3 days PS – post-suicide.

"You don't get to take yourself out of the equation! It's not just your own life you're affecting!"

I understood the anger that was coming in waves for the past 15 minutes that I've been awake for, but Charlie didn't seem to understand the reasoning behind my dumb actions. As dumb as they were, I had my reasons.

"I was angry. And sad." picking at the skin around my short nails, I was yet to find the courage I needed to look up and face Charlie. And the horrific look of betrayal on his face.

"What happened, Leo?"

And wasn't that the question of the hour? One I've been asked only a hundred times in the short time that I've been awake.

"I don't know!" I wanted to keep a leveled head, but it was impossible. So when the words exploded out of me, I took a short moment to cool off.

"I don't know, okay? I was out - with Zoe and with James and it's all a big fucking blur."

I tried - tried so hard - to remember what happened, but I kept drawing a blank. All I could remember was waking up in my room, hungover and in pain. I couldn't even remember the shiner I apparently placed on Charlie's face. It was like a big void in my mind.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for fucking it up, Charlie, I really am so sorry."

"Don't. Don't apologize, please."

His voice was the voice of a person who was utterly broken up about something. Only, I knew exactly what it was.