//dear leo// barsandmelody︱au︱

The Night We Met

I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Haunted by the ghost of you
Oh, take me back to the night we met

- Lord Huron

_________________________________________

***EXTREMELY IMPORTANT***
'tis a TRIGGER WARNING - self-harm is briefly mentioned in this chapter - nothing graphic, but if you're at risk, please skip this one. stay safe guys :)

There are moments. Good moments. I tried to hold onto those as tight as I could. Moments that made me feel glad to be alive and that were so beautiful and happy that they made my heart feel like it's gonna explode. Funnily enough, most of them were simple, everyday things.

Charlie holding my hand.

The way his lips felt on mine.

The way he smiles in the middle of the dumb joke he's telling.

Lying next to him on my bed that's too small to fit the both of us, but we make it work.

So once the pain came, I tried to focus on those.

*

/charlie/

"I love you."

I hadn't planned that. In fact, I have no idea what came over me, but we were sitting in Leo's bedroom, studying for the upcoming test and he was focused on the paper in front of him and this cute little line appeared on his forehead, just like it always did when he was confused by something and it hit me - I am in love with him. I was completely, utterly and fully in love with the boy sitting next to me.

"You.. I... What?"

"I am in love with you." to me, it was simple and easy, but Leo apparently didn't share my opinion, because he looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack.

"Char - we can't do this. This - we can't have this."

Aaaand panic was replaced with tears.

"Leo. I am in love with you. Have been since that first day in the school yard. I'm just tired of lying to myself and pretending that it's not true. I love you."

He dropped the pen and just - well, just sat there. For quite some time.

"Okay, Leo, you gotta say something, you're scaring me over here." after the silence grew alarmingly long, I took his hand in mine, gently running the pad of my thumb over his soft skin.

"You have to take that back." at last he spoke, but not exactly the words that I wanted to hear. Even the slightest touch was appearently too much, because Leo pulled his hands as far away as he could and out of my grasp.

„Leo, what's wrong?"

„We can't do this! We're not the couple that gets their happily ever after, don't you get that?" it weren't his words that had done me in, but the look of utter terror on his face – as if the simple 'I love you' was a declaration of sudden death, rather then my admiration for him.

„No, I don't think I get it Leo. We've been doing this for what, 6 months now? Or is it 7? You think I'm not scared? I'm fucking terrified!"

Now, the sensible thing that I could have done was to leave and give us both some time to mull everything over; that would be the reasonable choice. But I didn't do that. I did just the opposite, because once that dam was opened, there was no closing it until I got everything I've been holding in out into the open.