ColourBlind~~~ BTS AU

Dodgeball - Chapter Six

The tone dialled, and a young woman answered, "Dr Min's office are you looking to book a new appointment or amend a current appointment date?" her soft voice asked. There was a certain level of warmth, but I felt no sudden urge to divulge my issue. 

"Just an appointment, please... your earliest date, please." Was the final thing I added to have her understand the severity, she told me to drive over, and I typed the address into my car. Thirty minutes and I could finally repeat this and hopefully find a solution to this messy situation. I put the car into drive without looking at what it was I was leaving behind and running from. I just couldn't face it. 

I was slowly realising that the other emotions that were infiltrating my chest had belonged to Jin. His heartbreak slipped underneath my closed door like water threatening to drown me in a room with no windows, no further escape. Just one option to open the door and let him in; I'd paid dearly for the repercussions of that yesterday with the mild attack. Jin's heartbreak was nothing like I'd felt in a long time. Not since the police had turned up on Taehyung's door late last August to tell me my parents had been involved in a fatal car accident. 

"We're so sorry to inform you, Alice, but it was sudden. They wouldn't have felt a thing." They had spoken as if this would have meant anything to me as if this eased the agony of knowing they'd never come home. They'd never see my 30th birthday where they could tease me about being halfway to sixty, Taehyung could never ask my dad for his permission to propose, never see their baby girl walk down the aisle. But at least it had been sudden, right. Like that bullshit could ease my pain.

Taehyung had been there to catch me to plan their funeral, someone to hold my hand as I'd lowered what felt like three caskets that day. But it had only been two. I was still here with Taehyung; he pulled me from the earth, gave me purpose, and gave me a family. 

I could convince myself into believing that there lay some possibility that Seokjin had also found his soulmate. I clung to that hope that he had someone else, perhaps if not a soulmate, then someone who he loved or, in return, was capable of loving him truly. But praying Jin had a band-aid was such a selfish, cruel thought. But none worse than this jealously of the pure imagination of this other person. Who was I to begrudge something that I didn't know existed. Let alone was the only thing Seokjin had when even I wasn't willing to accept him. 

If the roles were reversed and someone was thinking the same way about Taehyung, I would have sung Taehyung's praises even if it meant losing all of his love for myself; I'd have screamed his best traits from the highest rooftops as long as they understood how amazing he was. I wondered if this was how Seokjin's partner would feel. 

But ultimately, it was futile trying to convince myself that I wasn't a selfish person. It was the same way in fabricating this lover for Jin in my imagination and creating a world for him where he didn't live a lonely, colourless existence. Because precisely what person would so desperately chase after this soulmate who kept running away if they already had someone... no. It didn't take a genius to realise Jin had been waiting for me.

The mid-morning sun beat down above the building that I'd followed the directions to. I pulled my hand up to cover my eyes as I stepped out of my car. It was at times like this I wished I could be comforted by the soft blue sky or the flowers that had been delicately planted into the pots outside the practice doors. Or when my pen paused as I glanced at the shadow on the lettering on the section where it stated, 'do you currently have a soulmate?'  I wondered what colour I was writing my answer. 

The loneliness was seeping under the door, infecting my guarded safety, but I wondered if without the colour if this loneliness was my own... I was bleeding these selfish, cruel feelings back into the outside world, where Jin was patiently waiting for me. How did I have any right to feel alone? The tears dripped slowly onto the paper below, leaving a splodge of blank ink where I'd signed my name. The receptionist who had been tapping away at her desk now rested a hand on my shoulder and muttered something my ears couldn't detect as she helped pull me up from the seat, relocating me to an empty room that smelt of the forest.