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dear keiji,
i met you at school today. well, i was going to my locker when I saw you.
the thing is, we haven't talked in a week. you stopped calling me and i texted you a couple of times, but you hadn't replied with anything except 'im a bit busy. talk later" which worried me.
so i didn't say anything further. i know it's weird. imagine liking someone and not being able to call them. i hate it.
you never mind all the things i hate about myself; in this case, it's my anxiety. i wish i wasn't this way, keiji, but you always know how to calm me down. you dont get annoyed and i dont have to worry about tiring you.
i got so lost in thought when I saw you, and the next thing i knew, you were across the hall. i don't know what came over me, but i ran after you.
not all of us can be athletic, can we? i bumped into you before coming to a stop.
i apologised so many times – we were already not on good terms so i felt for sure that I'd screwed up – but i was surprised to hear you laugh. it was so quick, just lasting a second, but it meant so much to me. (now that I think about it, it seems like you may have forced it.)
i love you. i love you.
its so easy to write it, now that i think about it. but when i was face to face with you, i could barely speak a word at some points. you make me breathless, keiji.
you helped me up. we talked for a bit, and since we had the same class at that time, we started heading there.
i could tell you were awkwatd. maybe you were just uncomfortable talking to me after so long, but i didn't mind.
when class started, you went off to your seat, and the teacher entered.
the class was boring, and once it ended, i thought of catching up to you again. When I did reach you, you were already with somebody – and you didn't seem uncomfortable anymore.
that's when I looked past my happiness at talking to you.
i made you uncomfortable. i made you feel bad. im so sorry. im sorry.
youre so kind, keiji; and sometimes I'd find myself wishing you weren't. i wish you'd just say what you felt. you always think about others and hardly remember yourself in between.
i wish you would yell at me. get mad. of course, id rather that you don't be upset at all – but id rather know how you feel than to constantly worry about what i may have done to upset you.
i sound so selfish. im sorry; that's not what I meant.
why do you have to be so perfect, keiji? it really makes things difficult sometimes.
i felt panic rising in my chest. im pretty sure that was just my guilt. knowing you, youd probably just feel like it's your fault. please don't feel so. its what I deserved.
i vaguely remember thinking "not now", but it's a blur.
i shifted my attention to you. you looked so happy – happier than I'd seen you in a while, to be honest.
bokuto koutaro, fukurodani's ace.
what did i do to make us drift the way we did?
im sorry again. im so glad that you're happier now.
