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dear akaashi keiji,
The words ring in my head as if i was still writing the pages i gave up on.
im sorry.
I desperately wipe my eyes, but to no avail as the tears kept steadily falling.
i don't know why I am the way i am.
I sob. I sob for i know that I'm pathetic, shedding tears for someone who couldn't care less about me. Shedding tears for someone who has bigger worries than a mere crush. I should be worrying about other things. My future. My work. But I'm stuck, my mind plagued with you.
I have no right to call you a coward. writing letters that i wont ever send for self satisfaction, and filling them with emotions i don't deserve to have.
I stand up, grabbing the pages that I'd filled over the last few weeks. I remember when i started them ; it was a long 2 months ago. 8 letters in 2 months.
you deserve the world, akaashi. beauty like you deserves happiness. you care about those around you, and youre not selfish like i am. youre kind, considerate, and so, so talented. i cant even focus on what's important for a day without straying in my idiotic mindsets, fantasizing about things that I will never have.
Rage. Rage. Rage. I grab all my sad, worthless letters, and i almost rip them up, but the tears blurring my vision and my shaky hands stop me.
things that i am too afraid and weak to chase.
Worthless. That's the word to use. Im worthless. That's why you stopped talking to me. You are no longer my friend. We haven't talked in at least a month.
don't worry, akaashi. if i was you, id despise me too.
I cry out. Its a wordless one ; a sound i didn't know i could make. Its simply a scream, a scream i have kept in. I don't know what comes over me, but Im probably desperate to get this voice out of my head.
I hyperventilate, crying, screaming, and the feeling of loathe and disgust fills the air around me.
I hate myself. I hate what i write, the way I think, who I am, what I do.
goodbye, akaashi keiji.
I drop to the ground. I scream till my throat runs dry. It blocks the noise. The voice.
Im panicking, aren't i?
Focus. Focus. Focus.
I hate this.
It's raining, right? Or is it sunny? I can't tell. I can't tell. This is bad.
I'll leave you alone now. this is my last word to you.
In another world, we could've been. A world where im good enough for you. A world where I'm a version of myself that I can maybe love.
i am a coward. i am selfish. i am pathetic. i am worthless. and i am giving up.
