I Loved Her More

Avery

Everyone always wonders what happens when you die. Heaven? Reincarnation? Absolute nothingness? Well, the answer is you get to watch everything you're missing out on. You get to watch your baby sister go to high school. You get to watch your cousin learn to drive. You get to watch your best friend grieve and you can't do anything. All you can do is watch and know that it's all your fault. Watching her read the letter was probably the most painful part. Watching her blame herself over and over.

Fun fact: ghosts can't cry.

This means all I can do is feel my non-existent heart breaking, and grieve the loss of myself and my best friend all by myself.

As everyone around me grows up, I stay the same. Same age, same height, same everything. I see my little sister become my big sister, and it pains me that I'll never be able to see her again. She'll never know that I see her. I see her accomplishments, I see her wins, I see her losses, and I see her. I see my best friend grow into the person I'd hoped she would, a beautiful soul with a piece of her still missing. I see my friends grow up and grow apart, disappearing from who I'm able to see. They fade out one by one as they forget me; all except one.

I'll never know if she loved me back and I'll never know what would've happened to us. All I have is the privilege of watching her grow up, get her heart broken, find love. I get to see her wedding, with a bridesmaid place saved for me. I see all the pain she goes through, and yet she's never been more beautiful to me.

I'll never forget the way her eyes shined in the sun, the way her dark hair bounced as she ran, the way her whole face smiled, the sound of her contagious laughter. I will never forget her.

Even when she forgets me.