Of Pinstripes And Potions

Moment of Freedom

"I'm not wrong, am I?" James asks. For so long, he's been tiptoeing around the matter, pretending not to see things that others would question, intentionally leaving the two of them alone in the dorm on occasion so that he's not getting in the way. At first, it was mostly out of confusion and wanting to avoid setting Sirius off by implying that he'd keep anything a secret from him. But now, lately, there doesn't feel to be any real reason not to mention it, except that's how things are. Remus shakes his head softly.

"No, you're not wrong."

"Why didn't you... I mean, neither of you ever... You could've said something. It's not like we'd have minded, Pete and me." Remus considers it for a moment. He tilts his head to the side and then sighs with a shrug of one shoulder.

"It was easier not to, I suppose. Sirius was a bit worried that one of you might, and then... It wasn't new anymore. It didn't necessarily feel like there was anything to tell."

"Thought that we might what?" The thought that Sirius didn't trust him to be supportive, to go with the flow when it comes to his impulses is one that hurts a little. James has always done everything he can to show Sirius that his loyalty is unconditional, no matter the fact that the same couldn't be said of his family. He remembers the distrust in Regulus' eyes hours earlier, wonders if that's how Sirius still feels about him, deep down.

"You know how things are, James. It's not as if it's outside the realm of possibility."

"Well, no. But you know I'm not like that." James points out, which earns him another roll of Remus' eyes.

"Yes, I know that. But unless I'm about to tell him that you once threw yourself at me, I don't see how that's relevant."

"You haven't told him, then?" He asks, and Remus shakes his head.

"He'd only be jealous."

"Well, I can always throw myself at him too, if he likes." It's a joke, and Remus tries his utmost not to show his amusement, but James knows him well, notices the strain at the corner of his lips and the way he looks away, knows that it's a losing battle. Remus says nothing directly to the prospect of James making a pass at Sirius, redirects the conversation instead, back to their earlier topic.

"Yeah? Before or after his brother?"

"Moony, don't!" The groan that accompanies his protest is loud enough that Remus turns back once more to be sure Madam Pomfrey's attention is still on whatever she's doing in her office and not on them. He doesn't look remotely apologetic when James looks back up, but his expression has softened somewhat, and he says nothing more as he waits for James to recover. "How did you know?" James asks.

"Know what?"

"How did you know that you... Well, that you actually fancied him, and that it wasn't just some passing thought?"

"I don't know, I suppose... the thought didn't pass. But I really don't think you actually fancy Regulus Black, James. I think you just like attention and were glad of his." Other people might take offence to something like that, but James knows it's the truth. At least, the part about liking attention. He's felt closer to dying at the lack of conversation and eye contact the past few days than he did when he first woke with a pounding head he could barely lift. But attributing his strange feelings towards Regulus to that feels like a lie, even as he agrees with Remus.

"Yeah, you're probably right."

Later that evening, James is doing everything in his power to look well. When Madam Pomfrey brings him food and water, he accepts far more enthusiastically than is warranted, and greets her cheerfully. He asks her if she's wearing a new apron, tells her than she's never looked better. Madam Pomfrey is not the kind of woman to be bribed and she only purses her lips at him, but if flattering his way out of the hospital wing won't work, maybe annoyance is the superior tool. It's like that muggle tale, he thinks, the one Lily told him about the sun and the wind having a contest to force a man from his cloak. He doesn't quite remember the point she was trying to make, but the point he's taken from it is that persistence is key and that he has to be willing to use everything he has.

First thing in the morning, she tells him that he can leave. She makes him eat breakfast first, earlier than most of the other students will be up. The juice she's poured is nowhere as sweet as the victory he's achieved. Usually, he'd groan and tell her that he wants to get a practice in on the pitch before anybody else can get there, but as he munches his toast, he realises that it suits his purpose fairly well anyway. If he's already eaten and not going down to the pitch, he'll be free to wander the castle unaccounted for. Sirius and Remus and Pete won't notice that he's not where he should be until after breakfast at the very earliest, and that won't even have begun yet for everybody else.

Of course, it's not that he doesn't want to be reunited with his friends. He does. It's only that since Remus left him alone with his thoughts, there's been little else occupying his head but the book Regulus left him with and all that it represents. For all he knows, Regulus is down in the Slytherin common room being harassed by Snape and his 'associates' at the very moment he's buttoning up his shirt, or drinking another tainted potion as James knots his tie. Strange feelings aside, he knows that Sirius would act if it were anybody in his family, so he really has no choice but to. Without the map, it's a bit of a hassle, but the castle is only so big and there are places he can immediately rule out to hasten his search.

Library, nothing. No sign of him in the Astronomy tower or any of the classrooms he passes. James won't give up, but he's just considering heading back to the dorm to recruit Remus when he finally sets eyes on the boy. Regulus is tucked away in an alcove by the Divinations classroom, and James can only just see him from where he's standing, doesn't have time to think before rushing down there in case he moves before he can catch him. He takes the stairs two at a time so that he almost misses a step and goes flying when the northernmost staircase begins moving. If Regulus has spotted him and notices this struggle, it doesn't move him to meet Jame halfway. In fact, he only seems to remember James' existence when he's standing a meter away from him, hands on his knees as he catches his breath, face red. After days in bed, it's a little more than his poor muscles were expecting. He looks surprised to see him, but it passes.

"She let you out, then." Regulus observes.

"I need to talk to you!" He's speaking so quickly and still trying to recover his thoughts that Regulus doesn't seem to catch what he's said straight away, piecing it together in a moment where he just blinks, those dark lashes casting yet more shadows on soft cheeks and pink tongue darting out to wet his lips. James is glad that it's an urgent matter so that he can't be distracted by that.

"If it's about the book, I don't want it back."

"It's not."

"What then?"

"Well..." James starts, but comes up empty-handed.

"If you've something to say, you'd better say it, Potter. Wouldn't want to be seen chatting to me." He's standing now and looks all set to walk off, leaving James alone until he blurts out,

"I've figured it out! What you need to do," which isn't actually true, but it stops him in his tracks and James has never been the kind of person to think things through before speaking so it's out of his mouth and he's stuck with it. Regulus swallows, looks around to be sure they're not being listened in on, and then nods once shortly.

"Fine, let me hear it."

"I could do it." James says, the first words to enter his mind and then fall immediately from his tongue.

"You could... do what?"

Even with the moments passing by and clarity coming to James' mind, the sheer stupidity of his idea doesn't become immediately obvious. He only sees the ways it could work, the fact that it would no doubt make Snape want to distance himself from Regulus, the fact that nobody else would have to get involved. He's said it before he can remember any of the other stuff.

"Instead of pretending to go with one of the muggleborn girls, you could... Well, you could... with me instead."