Ashley:
I trembled as I dropped the bloody piece of metal. It connected with the floor with a soft clank and I fell to my knees in shock.
How did I let myself get this low?
I'm so tired of people labeling me as a 'man whore' or a 'player.' Sure, I did sleep around but that doesn't mean I want that to be my permanent reputation. Most of all, I was sick of saying I'm straight. I sighed saldly and rested my forehead against the bathroom door. The guys don't know what I'm doing, they're all distracted by some batman movie Andy found. That's good.
My wrists stung badly. How did some people find this comforting? I felt like shit before I picked up the razor, I felt like shit while I sliced my skin and, guess what, I felt like shit after. It doesn't help. Its useless. I slowly stood up and decided it would be best to clean my blood off the floor.
Once it was clean, I turned on the faucet to start cleaning my bleeding wrists.
"Hey, Ash, cover up I'm comin' in." I heard Andy shout from outside the door.
I fumbling quickly to hide the blood-specked toilet paper and I kicked the razor under the shower mat.
"Uh, okay." My voice cracked. Andy liked his head into the bathroom and he smiled.
"Oh, I thought you were showering?"
"Uh.. I, no. No I was just..." I couldn't think of anything to say. One thing I realized was that my wrists were exposed. I shoved them both behind my back and bit my lip in hope Andy hadn't seen anything.
"What's behind your back?" Andy asks, fully stepping into the bathroom. I shook my head and backed up against the wall.
"Ashley," he said softly. "What's behind your back?"
"Uh-" my voice cracked again. "P-porn?"
Andy chuckled. "The Ashley Purdy I know wouldn't be embarrassed of watching porn. What's behind your back?"
I sighed in defeat. I didn't want to show him but maybe it was the only choice now. Tears built up in my eyes as I slowly brought my wrists in front of me. I closed my eyes, letting my tears flow. Andy stood silent, and I kept my eyes shut so I didn't have to see his disappointment.
"A-Ashley?" He finally broke the unbearable silence. I put my head down and let out a whimper. I could tell he was disappointed. After all, I am the biggest disappointment in the band.
"Ash, please, let me see your face." I shook my head at his request. I can't let him see my guilt. I'm ashamed. We always tell our fans not to hurt themselves, but here I am, doing the exactly that. I'm such a fucking hypocrite.
Suddenly Andy's fingers were pressed against my jaw and he lifted my face to see his tear-filled eyes. I almost jerked back (I settled for screwing my eyes shut) just to hide from the shame but I was unable to since I was against the wall. I didn't want to see his dismay. After all, he's the main reason I picked up the razor. I closed my eyes and let out a miserable sigh.
"I'm sorry," I decided my apology would be good enough to break the new silence. "I just... I don't even know wh-what I was thinking and I'm so sorry."
"Ashley, open your eyes. Please?" Andy begged. I bit my lip again and gradually opened my eyes to meet his watering eyes. "Can I know why you decided this was the best answer?"
I choose to tell him the truth. I mean, I would be kicked out of the band soon. Who wants a depressed bassist in their band?
"Andy, I am so sorry for what I'm about to say. You'll most certainly kick me out of the band once you hear it and I will completely understand..." I trail off. Andy raises an eyebrow in confusion, telling me to continue. "I... I think I'm in l-love with you."
My sentence came out as a whisper but I'm sure Andy heard it. His hand left my face and he turned and walked out of the bathrroom. He was probably going to tell the bus driver to drop me off at some hotel and leave me. A sob escaped my mouth and I rushed forward to slam the bathroom door. I threw my fist into the wall and shouted in pain.
"Fuck! Fuck me! Fuck this! I-I'm done!" I shouted angrily. A new wave of tears swept over me and a second sob left my mouth. I don't want to live anymore! I was just rejected by the guy I love. Although I couldn't blame him, he is straight after all...
I stood up from my spot on the floor and registered the fact that my wrists were still bleeding. I cursed again before washing away the blood and wrapping my wrists in ace bandages. I cracked open the bathroom door and found it silent; there was no movie playing, no laughter or talking and nothing in general. The guys were nowhere to be seen and the bus was stopped. Of course.
I made my way to my bunk and started shoving my belongings into my suitcase and furiously wiping tears from my cheeks. When that was finished, I sat myself down and cried. I just let it all out. All the anger, agony and misery left my mouth in painful screams and ugly sobs. I gripped onto my knees and dug my nails into my exposed skin.
I laid back and screamed as loud as I could for as long as I could into my pillow. I continued crying until I faded into sleep.
