Opposites Do Attract (a Dazai x Kunikida fanfic)

Chapter 11: The Dazai Diaries

Dazai had bolted out of work as fast as he could, for today was the day that he'd experienced levels of embarrassment that he didn't know were possible. He had no intentions of ever coming back to work now. He'd already had those types of thoughts before due to his laziness, but today had officially sealed the deal. He was never coming back. Period. No questions asked. Why was Yosano so insistent on acting like Dazai and Kunikida were a couple and making them the most embarrassed people in all of existence? That couldn't be farther from the truth.

Not that Dazai was opposed to the idea.

In fact, he had to admit it, he really did like Kunikida. Not that he could tell him that, cause as far as Dazai knew, Kunikida was interested only in the ideal woman he often wrote about but had yet to meet. So Dazai felt that nothing would ever come of his unrequited love even if he were to confess. Dazai felt like Kunikida would never look at him the way he looked at Kunikida, so he felt like he'd have to just be content with admiring Kunikida from afar. But sadly, that was proving to be harder than he'd thought.

Aside from all that, Dazai doubted Kunikida would like him after all those times he messed up his schedule and annoyed him in various other ways...and then there was that one time he didn't help Kunikida on a mission, and then Kunikida got amnesia after that. Truth is, Dazai still secretly blamed himself for that whole ordeal. No matter how many times Kunikida had tried to convince him otherwise, it didn't work. Dazai still thought he was to blame. Even if that hadn't been the case though, Dazai couldn't undo all the times he'd annoyed Kunikida in some way, and he also felt like there was no way he could ever make up for those criminal offenses. He never thought he'd say this, but he was genuinely starting to regret all those times he bothered Kunikida. If only he could take it all back...

Since when do I regret annoying people? Something's starting to tell me that Kunikida-kun's had more of an effect on me than I originally thought, Dazai said to himself.

He got out a journal he'd recently started keeping. He'd sort of adopted the habit from Kunikida, but anything Dazai wrote was definitely way more random than anything Kunikida might write. But this wasn't as random, for it was about a certain someone.

Yep, Dazai wrote about Kunikida, quite possibly a lot more than one might think. How else could he get out his thoughts that he could never tell Kunikida?

Dazai then began to write:

I'm back again to say that Kunikida-kun is one of, if not THE, best people I know. While I'll admit that I always mess up his schedule, I do think it's admirable that he tries so hard to stick to it. That's honestly enough to inspire anyone. I know I shouldn't ruin Kunikida's schedule since it's so important to him, but I don't know how else I can get him to look at me, even for a minute. Even then, I know he'll never feel about me the way I feel about him. I try to tell myself that it's enough for me to just admire him from afar, but anytime I see him, that becomes more and more easier said than done. I really do wish I could just tell him the truth...but who'd like someone who was responsible for giving them amnesia? He's told me multiple times that he doesn't blame me for it, and I really do wish I could feel the same way, but I can't. I still feel responsible for it. And what's worse, a tiny part of me wished he'd stay that way cause he seemed to like me at that point. I am glad to have the old Kunikida back, but I miss the side of him that liked me. At least I know he doesn't hate me, but that's not the same as him returning my feelings. As I've already said, I wish I could confess. But in a way I also don't want to do that. One of my biggest fears is that he won't return my feelings. I wouldn't want him to feel bad about that, so it's better if I just don't say anything. Yeah, that's the perfect plan...except that maybe it isn't...ugh. Why is everything so complicated? Just why? Part of me really does want to confess to Kunikida just so I can get the truth out in the open. Even if he were to reject me, at least I'd know that I told him the truth. But I also don't want to experience the rejection, so maybe it would be better to just keep it to myself. Ugh. I think I need some advice, but who would I ask? I already got Ranpo's opinion (and Yosano's, but that's a whole other story). Who else could I possibly potentially ask about this sort of thing? Definitely not Chuuya. He'd tease me even more than Yosano does, and plus, he's probably giving Kunikida advice anyway. And on another note, I, of course, wouldn't ask him to die with me, cause he'd probably say something like "sorry Dazai, but dying isn't in my schedule for another 70ish years." And hey, I wouldn't want him to die, just like he doesn't want me to die. Normally I want nothing more than to just perish and leave this putrid eatth once and for all, but...Kunikida-kun makes me want to live. He makes me feel like I have something to live for. And whenever Kunikida's talking to me, I can actually forget how much I want to die, even for a minute. I'll admit, part of that is because he always reminds me that he wants me to live. It's nice to know that he cares enough to tell me that, and to always stop me when I'm trying to die. I have to admit it: I'm in love with Kunikida. I only wish I could tell him that...

Dazai took a break from writing at that point. "Dang, I sure do write a lot...am I turning into Kunikida?! Well I mean, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I'm not sure I like the idea of becoming a workaholic."

He glanced over his new journal entry. I really just admitted to being madly in love with Kunikida, didn't I? Yosano and Kyouka and Chuuya would never let me hear the end of that. But oh well. I said what I said. It's the truth. Maybe I have a tendency to lie, but this is the actual genuine truth.

Dazai glanced around, making sure no one had noticed him writing down what was practically a love letter. Maybe it would've helped to double-check before actually doing the writing, but oh well. He seemed to be in the clear so all was good. Jeez, since when did he worry about someone reading what he wrote? Was this another Kunikida effect? It had to be. After all, Dazai didn't know anyone else who would be this protective over something they wrote.

In the end, Dazai had made up his mind. He was going to confess to Kunikida no matter what might come of it. He couldn't in good conscience keep the truth from Kunikida, after all.