Feelings Expressed

Hate

I fucking hate myself. I hate that I feel things a lot harder then I'm supposed to. I hate fucking liking someone who doesn't even look at me. Why am I friends with people older than me if they don't even think I understand. Does that even matter when I care. I fucking hate caring about people. I just fucking hate it. I feel so frustrated. I want to cry but I can't. I just don't really want be here. Yeah I'm kinda suicidal but I'd never really do anything. As I wrote that sentence I almost cried. But I don't want to let myself. I don't even know why I let things bother me so much. Why do us humans let things get to us. I feel like for me though I'm more sensitive. I just hate feeling. Why do we feel so much. I hate that all these emotions make me just want to scream and cry. Why do I care. Why do we care. It's useless in this world we just live and we die. So what's the point if we just die in the end. I know that we can make happy memories but for me they don't last long both in life and in my head. I feel stupid. I feel like an idiot most of the time. And I mean I get told that but it doesn't bother me. Just when I know and I think I am makes me not want to be here. I don't really feel that I have a purpose. I'm failing before I even finish. I don't feel like I can do it. I want to be a teacher but at the same time I don't want to work for it which means I don't really want it I don't know. I just make things complicated for myself. I literally feel crazy for talking to myself. I am crazy. I'm crying for no reason. Is it because ofmy words.  Why do I feel so choked up. I honestly don't really hate myself but at the same i do. I want someone to take over my life so I won't have to do anything, I won't have to think anymore, I won't have to worry anymore, I won't have to feel. I just don't want feel.