Dear dad.

the thoughts

dear dad,

 your always gonna be my angel, but your in my head.

 i dont know how to ask mom about whats on my mind. how would u do it? how would you have spook your mind? i wanna know about you. but i dont wanna hurt others asking. i know we should see you as a good memory and trust me we do but it hurts. it will always hurt. they say time heals all. but im not healing at all im just hurting more and more everyday. i do not know how to get the pain to leave. maybe this is your way of telling me never forget but i never would. the dreams, the rules you've taught me keeps me going. your death was one of the hardest things to deal with. i can get over our family house that burnt to the ground 2 years after you left, but i cant and wont when it comes to you. i wish you was here. id love for you to meet the kids and guy that keeps me going . ive been to the breaking point but they've brought me back. but damn i wanna know YOU who you was what u did for fun. when i was a child u was all about work but maybe there was stuff u didnt want me to learn about the hard way. like death i bet you was hopping it'd take years before id have to deal with that. saly your the one that had to teach me about that in a very hard way and i know you didnt want to and i never blame you. i feel you'd be disappointed in me everyday for everything i do. i never know if your gonna be proud of me or not. i know i wasnt a plan birth but i wanna know what you thought when yall found out you was having me, or how you felt when i was born. was i a joy or just sadness? i know my birth was difficult cause mom has told me about that. but i just wanna know how you felt. i wish you was here so i could ask you so much stuff. but then maybe i also wouldnt be thinking them if u was here. hell i wonder how you'd react to how i was bullied in school. you taught me that if you mess with the bull you get the horns. i tired to be that strong bull but im a weak cattle on the inside and i dont know how ive made it ths far to be honest with you. it has to be thanks to the kids and my boyfriend and its not the one i had when you was around. he turned out to be a player and went to dating a friend i had when u was around. i love and miss you dad!