Everyday Thoughts

The Incomplete History: Dante

When you're young, to be blunt , you have no idea who you are, only an idea of who you want to be. Much like the aspirations of a scientist or an inventor, or other such beneficial members of society it all started with a dream. The innocence of childhood, if you look back on it, does seem like a dream for some and a nightmare for others.

My childhood was no nightmare I assure you. I was blissfully ignorant, my mother kicked my father to the curb like the scoundrel he was before I had the chance to remember life with him around. My two older brothers were cruel, as brothers always seem be towards the youngest sibling. My mother was kindhearted, strong, independent and admirable in many ways I couldn't begin to summarize without leaving out vital details. I was for the most part happy. I had no trouble with how I was living. Even after one of my brothers made mother cry as he was "locked in a cage" as I told him whilst the pigs dragged him into a house made of steel bars that no big bad wolf could huff or puff down. (Believe me my brother loved to huff and puff things down in more ways than one)

I didn't know how my life really was until I grew up, I started seeing things for how they really were. I could wake up in the morning and not have the strength to run around like a hyper 5 year old and wake everybody else up. (No kidding, I used to do that)

It all began with the hell of middle school. Trapped for 8-10 hours a day, 5 days a week, with prepubescent boys. Sadly, just boys. My 6th grade year deprived me of girls my age. The only women around were teachers (one of whom we all fought for the attention of) and the college girls who passed by our building. All in all I was ready to get out of there. It was a tough year, but I came out on top. I had fought, I had persevered, I had dominated the field educationally, artistically, and without a damn care. I even got a trophy for being student of the year, despite my quiet demeanor. What could possibly go wrong in the next year? For starters all the schools I tried to enroll in left it up to raffles where I was shit out of luck. (Damn you School District enrollment raffles)

I thought I would get to go without school for a year or end up going back to the same school, (I was NOT going to go back there for another round of sausage fest) until like a "gift from God" as my mother called it, a school just now being built had opened up down the street from the office building where she worked and they were currently accepting new middle school students. What were the chances of that?

It took a while but my mom cleaved me a spot using my outstanding permanent record. When she sets her mind to something she gets it done, no joke.

So after that summer I was enrolled in a school that would be the beginning of me finalizing my self-identity. I felt like a dot among the many Hispanic kids I was not used to and the teachers who were not my color as well. It was easy to adapt but I made some bad first impressions. Girls were not interested in me at that time due to how quiet I was. I wasn't very funny back then either, and my glasses were quite intimidating. I made a reputation for kicking people in play and just being a general stick in the mud. It was a long year of change for me.

The next year I would come back and change even more. I met a couple of people who would change my self image forever. For starters there was David, everybody liked him. He was funny, dressed good, had some cool ass sneakers, and he could draw better than me. In short, he drove me mad with envy. Especially since he always had chicks hugging him in the hallways and snuggling up to him kissing his ass, even my new-found crush. I hated that. (Basically he was the Kiba Yuuto to my Issei Hyoudou)

Then came the day that I decided I could take no more. I slowly started to change my whole image in an attempt at conformity. I stopped wearing the pants my mom bought me that always flooded. I started talking more as my sense of humor had developed over the summer. I ditched my glasses for contact lenses until I was the new me. I was proud of myself for what I had turned myself into. Looking back on it now I should never have changed myself for the sake of others. I should have done it for me as I do now.

Later that year I would later find out that people were worried how I had changed all of a sudden. My only excuse was "puberty's a bitch" to my peers, and "Its just a phase" to my elders. The discipline counselor was on to me, or so I thought until she started blaming the recent leaving of a student I hung out with as the cause for my transformation. I definitely dodged a bullet there, no one was going to find out who I had a crush on. (Not even you reader >:3)

I learned how to converse better for the last few months of that year as this cute girl Bianca started walking with me from school. Both our parents worked on the same street the school was on so we just walked and talked. She would tell me about her boyfriend Esteban (The first person I actually talked to back on my first day in 7th grade) and I'd talk to her about how she made crooked teeth cute. (I don't know how she did it but she really did.)

In those last few months I made friends with David. He was actually a pretty cool guy, I felt dumb envying him. We liked a lot of the same stuff, games, Youtubers, the feminine body, and drawing. He was like my other half, my twin. (Nonidentical of course) that year was the first year I actually had friends to enjoy things with in a long time. I hadn't had that since the neighborhood kids I would play with moved, or stopped coming because my trampoline broke. (Goddamn urchins only liked me for my trampoline)

The following year was about the same, only my crush was gone. I had not told her how I felt, but after what happened the previous year on a field trip I think she knew I had feelings for her. (What happens on a bus in Austin, Texas stays in the bus in Austin, Texas. I would later get the same feeling that I had on that bus many more times in my life)

I steadily changed my image more and started fixing my hair and waiting for acne to run its course. I didn't know why I still felt the need to improve my look, it just became my routine I guess. Every morning I would brush my teeth and shower, and every night I would go to sleep thinking of how the next day would go.

David had changed that year, he slowly secluded himself, started to distance himself from me and others. He even slept in almost every period except for gym. I had no idea what happened to him, but I was too insensitive to ask.

Among the other changes that happened I could see how we all had a case of the Freshman Fever. Fighting off the immaturity of the past while trying to live up to the expectations of High School.

We had one girl who just recently came to Texas and was upset at how chill we were. Good ol' Gabby's Ohio lifestyle couldn't adjust to us. She would soon leave to go back home the next summer.

By the end of the year I had resolved that I wasn't going to crush on anyone anytime soon. It just didn't click again, I don't know why. Not even the following year in 10th grade where I was introduced to a whole new crowd of females both younger and older. They were petite, they were sexy, they came in all shapes and sizes and attitudes.... but I couldn't pull myself to like them for any other reason than their bodies. I pondered if this is how it feels to no longer be a boy, but a man.

I forgot to mention that in Sophomore year I had finally changed schools again. This new school was a reality check for me. There the harsh realities of a REAL high school had caught up with me. There I was a loner again. Separated from my friends (some had transferred over with me) who had joined new social cliques. I was beginning to feel like I was back on that bus to Austin, Texas. Every day at dismissal I stood with my back to the wall, facing the nightmare of loneliness in a bright world casting a shadow behind me. I didn't know who I was, I didn't know where I was going. When in all these years did I lose sight of a goal? When did I stop dreaming? What am I still going for? These questions played pinball in my skull. I didn't dwell on them long (yet) I was too busy trying to adapt.

Somewhere along the way, even while writing this, I feel like I lost what made me Dante.