To Better Oneself [One-shots]

WRIGHT LEFT

If I told you who I really am, would you still see the good in me? If you knew all I've done, all the harm I've caused, would you still believe I can redeem myself? 

If I told you that since I was a young teenager all I've seen and created are pools of blood, would you still care for me?

I was nothing but a broken boy. Life had lost its meaning a long time ago. What awaited me besides death? That sweet sleeping pill so many feared but so many others desired. That's what I wanted for myself. And that's what Mori-sensei promised me I would get if I joined him in his endeavours. 

The first sin I committed was covering a murder, more precisely, the former Mafia's boss assassination by the hands of his so-called best friend, my mentor Mori-sensei. 

At age 15 I met Nakahara Chuuya and we became partners in a twisted relationship of control and manipulation. 

That was the time I learned nothing and no one really mattered as long as I could enjoy their disgraces. Death had escaped from my reach and so, the only thing that was left for me was to laugh at life. Laugh at those ignorants who still seeked happiness in such an empty world.

Not long after, I became the youngest Mafia executive in history. I used my power to inflict pain in others, I abused my subordinates, I killed mercilessly and with avidity, relishing in other's suffering. 

I had two friends at the time: Sakunosuke Oda and Sakaguchi Ango. Years later, we found out Ango was a spy and had been infiltrating the Mafia all that time. That was the first friend I lost; someone who had never truly cared for us. 

Oda was different. Ironically, despite being a mafioso, he never killed, for he believed that, in order to write a novel, he had to have his hands free of bloodshed. Instead, he helped the poor and took care of a handful of orphans. 

That was his mistake. Love and affection are paid with your life in the Mafia. As you can imagine, both he and the orphans were killed and I could do nothing about it. The last thing Oda told me before his passing was that I'd never find a meaning in life and, if I didn't really differentiate between good and evil, at least I could join the side of those who help others. 

That was the one and only time he acknowledged me as his friend. That was the day I lost the only family I had.

After hearing those words, I left my past and tried to rewrite my life by righting my wrongs. Ango helped me erase my criminal records as long as I went into hiding for the time it took him to complete the procedure. 

Since then, I've done what Oda would've wanted me to do. But what would you do if I told you I don't regret anything of what I did? What would you think if I said I still can't feel empathy for others? 

All my emotions have been caged in deeply inside of me and only resurfaced for one person. Once that special someone left me, my emotions died with him. 

Now that you know my story, can you tell if I'm still a monster? If I do good things just by inertia, have I changed or am I still that same rotten person? Is there salvation for someone like me? 

Because if I'm being honest, I would repeat the same mistakes I did even if I had the chance to change the past.