Enhypen One-shot Series

Dance On My Own : You Ran After Me

Summary :

For a moment, Sunghoon forgot.
For once he didn't want to be alone.

⚠ Anxiety ⚠

• • •

I can feel them, their eyes
They're watching me
Every sudden move
I must not make a mistake

My over-active imagination can't save me this time
Nothing's prepared me for this very moment
Not even my wildest dreams
My own mind, it's betrayed me

I feel alone even when I'm surrounded,

I feel lost.

I feel empty.

I feel like I'm trapped,
Stuck in this very position,
Struggling to use the legs that now carry me

I can't move
They're waiting for me to say something,
Anything
I can't, my lips won't move
I try to say the words
They refuse to come out

A small whimper escapes my lips
Oh no, I've messed up already
Concerned eyes look at me,
Encouragement clearly shown,
I am afraid

Before I can think clearly,
I feel it,
The warm wetness streams down my cheek
No, no, no, no, no
I can't cry now,
Not here, at school

I am no longer in control of my own body
My legs suddenly come to life
I run,
Away from the silent laughs,
Away from the pitiful eyes,
Away from the hushed whispers,
Away from the humiliation

I find the nearest corner and fall to my knees
I crawl into a ball and hope to disappear
My chest moves at a dangerous pace
In, out, in, out

My breath is ragged
The oxygen seems to run out
The tears won't stop

I can't breathe.

• • •

Sunghoon lay in a corner, his breaths were ragged, he struggled to calm down. His eyes were blurry with the silent tears that fell like a waterfall.

He gripped the wall, the floor, his shirt, he tried to find something, anything that was grounding.

He needed to calm down.

He felt stupid and afraid, it had been so long since he felt like this, exposed and vulnerable.

His chest felt heavy, he wasn't sure why the irrational feeling of being drowned continued to rise in his body.

He didn't want to be there, he wanted to disappear.

"Sunghoon!", he heard, he scrambled further, trying to hide, squeezing himself into the wall. He knew his behavior was strange but the need to run away was so apparent, he wasn't thinking straight.

"Sunghoon! Where are you?", he heard again. He couldn't stop it, the sob that fell from his lips, it was quiet, but loud enough to reveal his location.

"Sunghoon!", the voice exclaimed, "There you are!"

It was Heeseung, the last person he wanted to see him like this.

The older boy knelt in front of him, he tried to cover his face however the strong hand that grabbed his wrist prevented him from doing so.

"Look at me", he pleaded, Sunghoon shook his head.

Sunghoon feared the worst. He wasn't going to let it happen, not again. He'd suffered for too long, let too many people into his life, trusted to early, shown his vulnerability and got crushed, hard, fast and without warning.

He'd promised himself, that's why he stood up, accidentally bumped into Heeseung, causing him to fall back, he hesitated, thought about his choices, he could stay to help him up but he knew that would be a mistake and so he whispered an apology and ran.

Where am I going?, he'd asked himself. He couldn't see properly, he should've known better because before he knew it he felt himself stop. He felt the slight pressure on his arm, he looked back and his eyes met with the older's.

What was that?

They held not just familiarity, they held warmth, the held desperation, they held worry and they held determination.

He tried to speak but his body refused. The sinking feeling went deeper, his chest continued to rise and fall erratically and the fear was clear as day.

"No", Heeseung spoke up, "You're not running away from me anymore"

That was enough, it was too much, he decided that the damage had already been done, he'd lost so much that he had nothing else to lose so he listened to his body.

He allowed Heeseung to bring him closer and soon he crashed into his chest and sobbed.

He allowed himself to let go.

He let the older wrap his arms around him, to offer him the protection he so desperately longed for.

"I'm sorry I'm like this", he finally let out. He'd never hated himself more than that moment. He caused an unnecessary scuffle. The program had been ruined all because he couldn't control himself.

"No", he heard again, "I won't let you blame yourself, not again"

"Why are you here, with me?"

"Honestly, I don't know. I just want to be here, you're worth it", and that seemed to make him cry more.

• • •