My Life Story. (Mental Health Awareness)

Is this even real?..

TW: Dissociation?? S3lf h4rm

(This part contains swearing)

Nothing feels real anymore, like it's all a simulation or some sort of game. It's started to affect my focus in school, even more effected than it was before. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. It's been going on for quite a few months, I don't even know what it is. It started a few months ago, and ever since, there hasn't been a day where I've felt normal. The only way for me to cope with it is music, distracting myself and sh,  and obviously, in school you can't listen to music whenever you want. The only person I feel like i can talk to at the moment, is my guidance teacher, and I feel bad because he doesn't understand it. The only way I can reassure myself that I'm real, is sh.

I've tried to seek out help to my mum but she just dismissed it like it was nothing, and my brain automatically went "it isn't a big deal or important, so stop pretending it is" which now constantly runs through my mind, like a broken record. Things that have happened in the past, show that my mum couldn't give two shits about my mental health. She done the absolute best she could for my sibling, but it's massively different when it's me. I've literally broken down in front of her, saying how nothing feels real anymore, and she still hasn't done anything about it. My days are blending together into one massive endless loop, and it's exhausting. I seriously don't know what to do anymore. I'm becoming fatigued and unmotivated, and I struggle to even get out of bed. I don't understand why this is happening to me. My mental health is still going down, by the minute. I didn't even think it could go any lower then what it was, apparently, it can and is. My entire childhood, I learned how to bottle up my thoughts and feelings, and it's all I know how to do. 

I constantly compare myself to others, and it destroys me. Comparing my situation, mental health, trauma, body and a shit tone other. I even compare myself to my own older sibling. All the shit people have said to me over the years, has just bottled up and this is the result. For the past 3 years, I've constantly compared myself to others

School is the thing that is slowly ripping apart my mental health, piece by piece. I don't know what it is about it, it's just so draining. There's only a few people in my class, that genuinely motivate me to actually go to school because something funny might happen and I have a few subjects that I genuinely enjoy. Recently, I've been in the guidance base a lot more often, because of my panic attacks. I'm usually in a room in the guidance base, either vent drawing or having a panic attack.

All I'm gonna say is, if people could read my mind or know what goes on in my head, they'd look at me in an entire different perspective.. it's gotten that bad..