My Life Story. (Mental Health Awareness)

it's all my fault..

!TW: Mentions of Self Harm, self-blame and su1cidal th0ughts.

At least 5 months ago, my best friends mother found out that I self harm and my suicidal thoughts. When her mum found out, her mum said, "You can't have anymore sleepovers or play dates until you tell your mum about everything and support is put in place." 5 or more months later, my mum doesn't know and there is no support put in place. 

The reason I haven't told my mum yet, is because I don't trust her. Something happened a while ago, that broke my trust with my mum and it still hasn't been mended. I'm not going to say what happened or anything but, just know, the trust still hasn't been mended after almost half a year. 

There has only been a few play dates and a couple sleepovers since then but, not as many as there usually would be, and I know it's all of my fault for not telling my mum about everything. Now, I know that me and my best friend are drifting apart and I have already been replaced. My best friend can deny that I have been replace but, I know I have. And I can already hear the comments, '"It's just jealousy", "you're just jealous". I don't care if she has a million pals, I don't care, it's her life not mine. But, me and her are slowly drifting apart. She might not feel it but, i can. Me and her haven't had a sleepover in months. Usually, even after her mum found out, we would have at least one in the space of one or two months. It's been 3 and a half, nearly 4, months now and neither of us have asked even a play date. And I know, "Why don't you just ask for a play date or a sleepover then?" It's not that simple or easy. She is probably doing something with her other pal, she has replaced me with. I actually stay up at night, crying about it. The reason me and her usually would have at least one sleepover a month is because she lives in car distance (at least 15 minute drive) and not just 10 minute walk to her house. 

 Me and her have been pals since we were born. At one point, she and my boy best pal were my only actual pals. She has stuck by me, through good and bad. She is the one person, I would live for, and my mind is a fucking living hell. She is the one person I couldn't lose. My mental health wouldn't be able to handle it, my mental health would be in the fucking minus percentages if I lost her. I have had fucking panic attacks because my mind has told me she was talk about me behind my back and I just had no idea. I would be dead if it wasn't for her. So, losing her would, affect me like a truck hitting me full, full speed. She is literally like my little sister. 

It just physically hurts me, knowing I'm slowly losing her. Knowing I'm slowly getting replaced by other people. And it especially hurts me knowing there is nothing i can do. Nothing I can say, no actions I can do, to stop it. All I can do, is watch it happen. Let it take apart the very small pieces left of my mental health, if there is even anything left of my mental health. I don't give a shit about myself, and she will forget about me sooner or later. She will go on with her life and her pals and forget all about me. That's the way it should be. I'm easily forgotten. Easily replaceable. I'm not some family heir loom that's one of a kind and can never be replaced, she is though. I can't compete with her friends, I'm nothing compared to them. 

And you know what the 'best' part of all of this is. It's all my fault. Everything around this is my fault. For not trusting my mum, not telling her about everything. It's all my fault. It will always be my fault. Always has been, always will be.

I don't want sympathy out of this. I'm just stating my point of view and what I believe is true.