Black and White

Chapter 2

Lucky for me it's the weekend. I walk outside and to my favorite shaded tree in the backyard. I sit down and start reading a book called A Good Girls Guide to Murder by Holly Jackson. As I got to the end of the book, I heard the back door shut. Since I was on the second to last page, I finished the book before looking up.

"You're ignoring me Layla," Lorelei said as she walked up to me, "Why?"

"It's none of your business why." I replied while rolling my eyes.

"Actually, it is. When we broke up, we agreed to still talk to each other and be friends. Guess what? You broke that promise." She snapped at me.

"I ignored you? I broke that promise? Let's think about all the times that you ignored me for someone else. All the times that you replaced me, stabbed me in the back, and broke my heart." I hissed.

"Really? The reason I'm here is because I miss my best friend who has been ignoring me, who has changed, who won't talk to me." She ranted.

"I changed? I probably did, but guess what it was your fault. I'm not as nice as I used to be, because I don't want to get used or walked over again. I don't trust everyone with my secrets, because behind every fake smile there's a backstabber. I distance myself from people because in the end, they're only going to leave. I have changed because I realized that I'm the only person I can depend on." I pause my rant sneering at her. I have tears in my eyes. I can feel them.

"I...I...I-" She tried.

"No, I'm not done. I tried so hard to be pretty and funny and spontaneous. I tried to be better FOR YOU, Lorelei. I know that you're not supposed to change yourself for someone, but I honestly feel like you were bringing out the best in me . You didn't make me change myself. I chose to. So it hurts that I still wasn't good enough for you. You didn't try very hard. You didn't have to. I was head over heels for you and you knew it. You abused it. Now you're gone and I can't recognize myself." I paused again trying to hold in the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Losing you wasn't just painful. It was also damaging. It wasn't me on the couch surrounded by my friends as we watched movies and ate food trying to forget you. It was me staying up at four in the morning because the thought of you was so strong I couldn't even close my eyes without seeing your face. It was me swallowing thickly and blinking back the tears every time I was in public, the whole in my chest causing my breaths to come out shak rather than normal. It was me laughing at things for no reason as my stomach turned because the urge of falling apart was getting stronger. It was me crying at random hours during the day and me not wanting to get out of bed. It was me deleting our conversations and regretting it because now I couldn't know where we went wrong. It hurt. Losing you had hurt and I wasn't ever able to ever forget that kind of pain. Please -"

"I'm sorry! I screwed up. I only broke up with you because I don't deserve you." She cried as she interrupted me.

"I'm still not done, " I replied, "Please don't take any of this the wrong way, but I honestly believe you were one of the worst things to ever have happened to me. I thought that you were the greatest person on this earth. I talked about you like you hung the stars. Then you left me and I tore myself apart because of it. I'm becoming the worst i've ever been before. It's hard to function with all the memories of you and me swirling around and around my head like a tornado. I've literally destroyed myself, and I hate to say it, but it's pretty much your fault. I regret every single thing about you. I regret opening up to you. I regret showing you my scars. I regret letting you try to heal them. God knows you're the reason there's so many of them now. I regret letting you share all the good parts of me, because now you're gone and you've taken them with you. So thanks for stealing the old me. Thanks for stealing the happy me. Thanks for stealing everything I was." I pause looking her in the face with tears rolling down my face.

"I'm so so sorry Layla! I hate myself because I hurt you but I knew you loved me and I wanted to toy with you. Just so you can realize you made a mistake caring for me. Thank you for proving me right. You really can't trust anyone." She replied.

"Don't worry," I sneered, "I've spent my whole life falling in love with people who didn't love me back. It's nothing new. I have loved you for so long. I'm sorry I kept trying to hold on to you when it was obvious that you didn't want me in your life anymore. All you wanted was to be set free and I think I have finally learned to let you go. Not because I want to, but because you're happy without me. And all I ever wanted was to make you happy."

"As I was fighting for you, I realized I was fighting to be lied to, to be taken for granted, to be disappointed and fighting to keep being hurt. I have to let go of the feelings I have for you. I have to stop admiring you, adoring you, and even loving you with my whole heart. I have to because I can't take it anymore. The longer it takes for me to let go the more it hurts me and the more I cut. I'm tired of all the mixed signals you give me. I'm tired of staying up all night wondering what I did wrong to deserve this from someone I did nothing wrong to. I'm tired of listening to sad songs and staring numbly at the ceiling or wall. I'm tired of all the nonsense conversations that only happen every now and then. I'm tired of being just the girl you talk to when you're bored. I'm tired of your selfish ways - ways to get in my pants. I've had enough. I've been through enough. I have to let you go. I need to. But I can't find it in myself to do so. I'll always love you. With all the shattered pieces of my heart, I love you. And if that's not enough then don't drag this out. I have to let go but you won't let me. If I can't have your heart then you can't keep mine prisoner. That's how it works, love. You don't get to have it all. I love you and I always will." I finish up as I run to the house, through the back door, down the hallway, through the living room, and all the way up to my room.

⚠️Trigger Warning⚠️

I look out the window to see my dad walk to Lorelei and say something to her. She nodded then walked towards the house. Dad walked towards the tree and grabbed my book before walking back towards the house. I left the window and went to the empty corner of my room, started my depressed playlist and sat down in a ball in the corner. The first song that played was Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi. I heard a knock on my door but I just turned the music up and ignored it. I heard another set of knocks but I just ignored them. I walked to the door and locked it before going to my nightstand and grabbed my razor blade then went back over to my spot. I slid the blade against my left wrist once, twice, thrice, and four times before my dad walked in and ran to me. He picks me up and puts me on the bed. He then ran to my bathroom and grabbed the first aid kit. Dad wrapped my wrist stopping the bleeding. He called Amara on his iPhone as she was at the store. That was the last thing I seen and heard as everything faded to black.