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❝you don't have a garden just for yourself, you have it to share.❞ ┊v. five
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Clary took advantage of all the tricks that she kept, like a sailor touches the skin of the river when they finally found the channel that would take them to the coast.
For as long as she could remember, she had always enjoyed the feeling of being seen. Dancing was a rewarding way to be proud of herself, of her roots, but singing was another level of joy. She hadn't been born blessed with a heavenly voice, she hadn't been able to tell that she had a spring in the strings, but now when she sang she could see the judges' suppressed smile.
Her problem was that she was not very humble. She decided to look the judges in the face when they gave her the monthly score. She didn't see anything wrong with it, she liked to see their reactions from beginning to end because it made her feel good, but that was disrespectful here, it was a signal of power. And although it made her feel bad that they scolded her, she continued looking them in the eyes because that's who she is.
Maybe if the system wasn't so stark as a stick, Clary would just hug everyone all the time. While she was involved with them, she caught herself in sonder—when they scolded her she liked to question the idea of if there was another person like her doing the same thing at the same time, and if that was why it was so inevitable and therefore blameless.
Like soft sand, or rough silver, her eyes examined the surroundings as she saw the rows becoming more and more isolated, weighing down hopes more, and other times not allowing a grain of it to enter.
Beside her, was an anxious Jisoo, solicitous like someone who has to say her full name for the first time. Whenever she felt like this, Clary liked to have her hand held, to have something to hold on to. Clary took her hand, which was smooth and creamy with sweat—since it didn't bother her, she cradled it.
Jisoo breathed, "You actually enjoy this intensity," the comment made Clary scoff.
"Well, I usually concentrate on transporting myself to another place, while imagining the people here in it, along with thousands of others," she couldn't contain the smile, "So, all I see are the twinkling bubbles of light below the stage. The lipsticks in my mind moving to the rhythm of the track, the screams, me removing the hearing aid that doesn't let me hear," her hands waved helplessly, "they excite me."
