The Forgotten Way (Champions of the Crystal Book 6)

Chapter 9.3

The first session seemed to be a success. Allyria felt like a lifetime ago, but Sabrina managed to remember how to construct a shield. Whether it was effective or not was the question. She felt that Ford was taking it easy on her, trying not to startle or antagonize her.

"You know, when Tirqwin tested my shield on Allyria, he yelled. Broke my concentration completely. When I complained, he said I had to be able to do it under real world conditions."

Ford gave her a measuring look. "This is different. For one thing, neither of us is ever going to be able to keep the other one out in times of extreme stress. Links just don't work that way. I will always be able to break through to you if I really need to, and vice versa. I was really working at keeping my shield up on Fiersai, and you still woke me out of a sound sleep without even meaning to, or knowing that you could. I would never want to build a shield so strong that you couldn't reach me if you needed me."

Sabrina thought about it. "No, you're right. I would always want to know if you were in trouble. Even if I couldn't do anything about it, I would want to be with you."

He smiled. "Admirable. And I can't say I don't feel the same. But...."

"What?"

"I keep thinking of the alternate me we met on Fiersai. How...how haunted he was. Every minute of his life, part of him was reliving her death, until he couldn't stand it anymore. And when I remember that could happen to one of us, I wonder how anyone can stand living in a link, knowing that any random accident could destroy them both. And how horrible to die knowing you are killing the person you love best at the same time. How do Mother and Father do it?"

Sabrina was mulling over the phrase "person you love best," but shook her head to clear it. "It may have been a long time before that occurred to Mara and Tirqwin. In their own ways, they've always felt a little invincible. I used to tease them about their deity complexes. Besides, Tirqwin and Khediva must already have come to terms with the implications of a link. And Mara won't die unexpectedly; the Crystal ensures that. So I don't think we can compare our situation to theirs." She looked at him sadly. "But in our case, we know that you are going to outlive me, random accidents and assassins aside. And I can't tell you how...horrified...I am to know that you are going to live my death."

Ford tried to grin, but it ended up as more of a grimace. "Well, I guess in the meantime we'll just have to make sure our life together is worth it." He stretched a hand out on the table, and Sabrina clasped it.

"Quality rather than quantity, hm?" she mused.

"Well, since we have very little control over the quantity of our time together, I think we owe it to each other to focus on the quality," Ford said, looking a little happier. "Maybe if we keep that in mind, we won't fight over the stupid things."

Sabrina burst out laughing. "Ford! Did you just suddenly develop amnesia? Most of the things we fight about are stupid. Maybe we should just promise not to hold it against each other."

"You're such a realist. Were you ever a romantic? You must have been, to have held out for Mother and Father in the beginning."

"I'm still a terrible romantic. I waited nine years to marry a man who died shortly after my return. My timing just stinks. Is it any wonder I've given up dating?"

"It wasn't your timing that was the problem," Ford reminded her. "And we've agreed that dating is now moot for both of us." He raised her hand to his lips and brushed a kiss on her knuckles.

Sabrina was torn between a little thrill and the urge to snatch her hand back. "That's so strange," she said.

"What?"

"Maybe it's from watching you work your way through the single female population on the ship and then at the conference, but I can't quite believe in your...your breathtakingly sudden interest in romancing me."

Ford flashed her his cocky grin. "Who says it's sudden?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Seems sudden to me. Perhaps you would prefer 'heretofore incredibly well concealed'?"

"Yes, actually. Sabrina, you are one of the few people in the galaxy I can rely on. Your friendship is important to me. I've given maintaining that friendship priority over other urges, but that doesn't mean they aren't there."

"You're saying all the right things, Ford, but I'm just having trouble believing them."

"Why would I lie to you?"

"You pointed it out yourself: we're stuck with each other. You've said you're afraid that I will try to walk away from this. I think you would do or say anything at this point to—to give me an incentive to work through everything. But we can't base our life together on a lie, Ford. It has to be real, or it's not going to last."

"So in essence, nothing I say or do will convince you at this point."

"I'm afraid not. Let's...let's just work on the link stuff right now. The personal issues can wait."

"I suppose they'll have to, if you're going to automatically discount anything I have to say about them," Ford retorted. "Give me some credit, Sabrina. I have every bit as much invested in this as you do. And I'm not an idiot. You need to stop thinking you can predict my behavior based on what you've observed, because I was not the least bit serious about any of those women. I've never been more serious about anything than making this work for us. And I understand that you have problems with this link, but I'm having trouble accepting that you have problems with a relationship with me, when we've fit so well together almost since the moment we met. Even when we're fighting, there's no one else I'm as comfortable with as you. Until today I would have sworn that was mutual."

"Ford—it is, but—"

"But what? Why is the link the only thing you're willing to work on? Has it not occurred to you that intimacy in other areas might make you more comfortable in the link?"

"Has it not occurred to you that it might just make things worse?"

Ford's hands clenched in frustration. "Why is it that you trust me enough to walk into danger with me, but suddenly I devolve into a heartless ogre when we start talking about this?"

Sabrina took a deep breath and rubbed at her eyes. "I don't know, Ford. Maybe because I'm really, desperately afraid that I won't survive it if you break my heart."

Ford let out a long sigh. "All right. This isn't getting us anywhere. Let's table this discussion until we've resolved your shield problem and can work on you reaching into my mind. Once you see it for yourself, I think we won't need to have this argument anymore. I'm going up to check our progress. Why don't you catch a nap; there won't be much sleeping where we're going."

He left without waiting for her to answer.