I lay awake in the bed that no longer feels like home,
And I know your sisters are awake too,
But none of us know what to say,
So we pretend to sleep,
And your father is awake on the couch,
Looking at photos of all of us,
Like the time we built a ramp for your mom,
Because she couldn't use the stairs,
Because the cancer had eaten her alive,
And I think we all have our own cancers,
And I think we all need ramps sometimes,
Because we can't take the steps we used to,
And your pain is my cancer,
And I have to take baby steps,
Because my legs don't work anymore,
And my tears suffocate my smile,
And though you are miles away,
Tonight I will pretend you are next to me,
And I pretend I feel your breath in my hair,
And your thin arms around me,
And I cover my face with the blankets,
And twist the ring on my finger,
And pull the sheets closer,
Because they hide my face,
And I let the tears fall,
As I succumb to the embrace that is nothingness,
And I hide underneath the veil of the never-bride,
And try to think of reasons to stay alive.
