Somewhere near home.

Part 6 : letters To You.

I guess I have told you before about the letters that I have written to certain people in my life, and how the letters never made it to them, you found that eccentric!
Now, I don't even care about those people so I got rid of them, yes the people and the letters.
I guess I am making room for new arrivals.

You know, I was wondering, If I ever wanted to write you a letter.. Will I ever stop ?

'' Oh dear,
It kept coming to me when you said that I will never understand, yes I wasn't there but..
I think I won't understand how afraid you are, you said what old pains?, I won't understand how empty she left you when she did, how she made you feel not enough, commitment and trust issues?
I don't have the right to blame you, I blame only who messed you up, I blame me for messing me up.
Now I am another ring in the chain, hopefully no more rings.
Wondering and questioning what if the people who messed you up didn't.. How would it look like? Maybe the lesson wasn't only for you. ''

'' Good whenever,
I can't deny the fact that I am missing you, do you know how much? I don't think you would understand, cause you weren't there..
I miss you as much as the pain I felt while you were protecting yourself from it. If I have to choose it would be me better than you.
I have always been proud about how I can tolerate pain, but now I have just proven to myself how much I love you to take all this pain and live with it. I kind of saw it coming, I did it to myself. ''

'' dear dear,
I know, I believe that you may never read this, it's an insecurity for me actually, however, I'll keep writing you anyway. I have got to convince myself that at least I am getting out what's inside, because I got dizzy telling you all of.. Everything in my head over and over.
I don't know, but every cell in me believes that you are the right one. My trust issues kept reminding me how everything I believed was right for me is not actually right, right now.. But I will keep believing until I disbelieve , no one knows when will that be.''

'' I want to say good morning,
I haven't gotten you out of my head for a very long time. Once I got a little bit busy not thinking about you, my head decided to bring you back by force, waking me up with you all over my dreams and stuff. Is that a punishment for taking a few seconds in real life? I want to tell my mind that I am not refusing to keep you in it, but using force and everything? Unacceptable! ''

'' I have thought, If I kept myself away from you, I would start to fall out of love. I thought to myself, it's just a phase, little do I know, nothing was phasing out. Most of the people in my life with the same case never made it to my court, but I would love it. If you showed up the next morning for the trial , your eyes will be the judge.
I don't mind looking like an idiot anymore, because I have consumed the whole package dealing with you, or when I thought I could. ''

'' Hi, who else would it be?
I don't want to say anything, have I made peace with all the insanity inside?.
It's not that I have consumed all the words that exist, I just don't want to let them out anymore, they are keeping me warm inside, burning with ease . ''

I have consumed not only my words but also me.