The Little Things

The Snow in April

April 13, 2022
01:27

    This one is going to be rough, but I have to get this down.

    Yesterday, I posted anonymously on Yik Yak just to see if other people were feeling the same way I was about something. I'll honestly just go ahead and type it up for you. I posted:
"What they don't tell you about abusive relationships is that sometimes the beginnings are extraordinary, and while you hate them now, you miss your friend."
    It got 27 upvotes, I'm guessing all of the people that did that agreed with me, or had a relationship like that too. That was kind of horrible to see, but also nice at the same time. It just amazed me that that many people at my school might have experienced that.

    I thought about that a lot before I posted it, too. I'm a lot happier now, don't get me wrong. I'm actually the happiest I've ever been, but it's not about how happy I am, it's about what I lost. I would take everything I have now over that fucker in a heartbeat, but we met when we were kids. I was 10. Maybe even 9. We were best friends until I was 18, and partners from when I was 14 up until 18. The friendship we had was great for a long time, and even though they were an asshole in the end, I miss the fun we had as kids. We just played. Nothing complicated, nothing malicious.
    After the first year of our relationship, things got ugly fast. I experienced a crazy amount of emotional abuse after that first year. You could probably consider it a daily occurrence that I didn't really recognize back then, and it sucked. Yet, it was still partially my fault, because I didn't stop it. I had a sort of protagonist syndrome I think. I thought I could save them from themselves, that I could change them and we could live happily ever after. It took me the whole 3 years after the first to finally see that they had to do it for themselves, and that they had manipulated me and abused me into staying for so long. So when they finally asked, for the last time, if we should break up— man, I jumped at it. I was secretly ecstatic, but also heartbroken. All of that time was wasted, and even worse, once I told everyone we broke up, one of my friends at the time told me they had always thought that my ex had been grooming me all those years to be with them. They treated me like they were raising me, and they even said that they did a couple times, too. Fuck, dude, that put it in perspective so fast. I wish I could scream these things at my ex. I really do, because I know that they know exactly what they fucking did, but they will never know that I know it now.
    My ex even tried to send me a letter on Christmas. CHRISTMAS. When they knew I had a new partner that I was happy with and that I was finally better off, they sent me that letter saying how much of a poison I was to them, but that they missed me and wanted to be friends again. The letter was cringey as fuck, by the way, and they also sent it to my dad's email address to get him to show me, to make matters worse. I sent one last nasty, malicious text back to them and never spoke to them again. And you know what? Fuck 'em. I'll say what I want. Here it is:
Fuck you, for everything you knowingly did to me and for trying to make me feel like the villain. Maybe I did some shitty things on occasion, but they were never intentional, and never to hurt you. You used me as your personal punching bag. I was the person to take every hit when you needed somewhere to dump all the fucked up shit you had in your head. You trauma dumped on me all day and all fucking night, made me feel worthless, made me feel like if you left I would have no one else. You cut me off from friends and family, and you made it so that I was the only one who ever sacrificed a damn thing. I was your goddamn therapist, on top of the one you already had. You never let me cry to you, you never showed me compassion, and you only ever wanted me so that you could whine and complain and throw a damn bitch fit about how you were going to kill yourself and made me feel like I had to spend every second talking you out of it or else you would do it. You love bombed me constantly up until that second year of our relationship so that I would feel trapped once you had me. You were the poison, not me. I never said that to you. Any of it, because I don't think you're worth it, but I need an outlet, and this is the place to do it.
    You will likely never see this, but I hope someone does. I hope someone reads this and understands my anger, and my grief, and I hope that they dig themselves out of whatever hole they're in. As for you, I hope you've realized the pain you caused. I hope you regret every second, and I hope to god the last words I said to you ring through your tiny ass pea brain every day of your life. Fuck you for ruining my childhood, fuck you for pretending to love me, and fuck you for trying to ruin the happiness I found after you.

    You will never get the pleasure of controlling me again. It's almost been 2 years since I last saw your ugly face, and man oh man, I'm so happy I never have to see it again.