Trapped in my own life

1

There he was the love of my life. The one I love but want to hate at the same time. The person who gives me butterflies but the one who also breaks my heart. The one I'm in love with but wish I wasn't.

He's one of my classmates which means I get to see him everyday. To be honest, I'm not really sure how to feel about that. You have to take into consideration that not only I see every move he makes and how many conversations he starts. He knows I'm here, too.

Maybe I'm just being overdramatic.

In my eyes, he's a very handsome boy. His tan body compliments bis beautiful brown eyes and his black hair. Speaking of black, that's the only color i've eher seen him in, and trust me; I don't have anything against that. Something that's really special about his face is his scar. It goes through his eyebrow which creates the effect of an eyebrow cut. I think it makes his face even more beautiful and unique.

But I wish loving him was easier. It's not his fault that I'm hurting. He doesn't even know anything about me. He doesn't know I fell in love with him. It's not only that he most likely doesn't feel anything towards me, it's the fact that out of all people in class he refuses to give me any kind of attention.

Is it my fault? Did I do something?

No, I'm not saying that he should be all lovey dovey with me. Just how friends would treat each other. How classmates would exchange words with each other. But all I get is his back faced in my direction.

Am I not good enough?

When I see him with a different girl every other day, it hurts my feelings. But I can't do anything about it. I'm not supposed to feel this hatred towards these girls. I'm not supposed to feel so miserable. And I'm not supposed to be hurting.

You're not together. Get a fucking grip of your dumb feelings.

Sometimes I even consider going up to him, just to tell him how I feel, because I'm so tired of all these dark thoughts and everything else I have to go through.

And it's all just because of a dumb boy that'll eventually turn into a stranger, as soon as I graduate.

There's days where I would lay down and stare at my ceiling for hours, trying to figure out, if it's really just a small crush or, if I actually fell in love with him. I would try to figure out, if I even like him or the idea that I created in my head of him.

Because, if you think about it, I don't even know what kind of person he is. Nor do I know his personality. Or anything really.