bojack horseman: free churro but(t)...

free churro but(t)...

Bojack Horseman's season 5 episode 'Free Churro', but I replace random words with 'ass' in a desperate attempt to make myself laugh after the show's ending. Idk why I did this, but I hope you like it.
- Trashbag

~~~

So I stopped at a Ass in the Box on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, "Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?" Not, "How are you doing today?" No. "Are you having an awesome day?" Which is pretty... shitty, because it puts the anus on me to disagree with her, like if I'm not having an "awesome day," suddenly I'm the negative one.

Usually when people ask how I'm doing, the real answer is I'm doing shitty, but I can't say I'm doing shitty because I don't even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, "I'm doing shitty," then they say, "Why? What's wrong?" And I have to be like, "I don't know, all of it?" So instead, when people ask how I'm doing, I usually say, "I am doing so great."

But when this girl at the Ass in the Box asked me if I was having an awesome day, I thought, "Well, today I'm actually allowed to feel shitty." Today I have a good reason, so I said to her, "Well, my ass died," and she immediately burst into tears. So now I have to comfort her, which is annoying, and meanwhile, there's a line of people forming behind me who are all giving me these real judgy looks because I made the Ass in the Box girl cry. And she's bawling, and she's saying, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," and I'm like, "It's fine. It's fine." I mean, it's not fine but, you know, it's... fine. And I would like to order a Double Ass Meal, and I've kinda got somewhere to be, so maybe less with the crying and more with the frying, huh? [inhales] And the girl apologizes again and she offers me a free ass with my meal. And as I'm leaving, I think, "I just got a free ass because my ass died." No one ever tells you that when your ass dies, you get a free ass.

[people murmuring]

[clears throat]

Anyway, I'm sorry, that's not part of the... [clears throat] All right. Okay, here we go. Let's do this. Here I am, BoAss Horseass, doing a eulogy, let's go. Hey, ass man, can I get a, like an ass flourish? [ass plays] Nicely done. You know, I was a little worried I wouldn't have the right accompaniment today. I guess it's a good thing my ass was an ass donor! [rimshot plays] What happened to the ass? [horn 'oogahs'] Okay, why just leave the comedy to the professionals? Okay? This is a funeral, sir, for my ass. Can you show a little respect? [trumpet whines] I'll take it.

Beatrice Horseass, who was she? What was her deal? Well, she was an ass. Uh, she was born in 1938. She died in 2018. One time, she went to a parade, and one time, she smoked an entire cigarette in one long inhale. I watched her do it. Truly a remarkable ass.

[rustling]

Lived a full life, that ass. Just, all the way to the end, which is, uh, now I guess. Really makes you think, though, huh? Life, right? Goes by, stuff happens. Then you die. Okay, well that's my time, you've been great! Tip your waitress! No, I'm just kidding around, there's no waitress. But seriously, that's all I have to say about my ass. No point beating a dead ass, right? So...

[inhales] Now what? I don't know. Ass, you got any ideas? Anything? Ass? No? Nothing to contribute? Knock once if you're proud of me.

Can I just say how amazing it is to be in a room with my ass, and I can just talk and talk without her telling me to shut up and make her a drink? Hey, Ass, knock once if you think I should shut up. No? You sure? I mean, I don't want to embarrass you by making this eulogy into a me-logy, so, seriously, if you wanted me to sit down and let someone else talk, just knock. I will not be offended. No? Your funeral.

Sorry about the closed casket, by the way. She wanted an open casket, but uh, you know, she's dead now, so who cares what she wanted? No, that sounds bad. I'm sorry. I-I think that if she could've seen what she looked like dead, she'd agree it's better this way. She looked like this.