Addiction

The recent break up was tough... especially since we were together for two years at first i held in my addiction...i made a promise afterall.

It became more difficult once i found out he moved on 3 days later...i continued to keep the promise but my thoughts took over "should i really keep this promise for someone who isn't with me and didn't love me for my personality but only for my looks" i said maybe just one drink or one Smoke so i went to the vent above my fridge grabbed the Smokes and my lighter and put some rum in a glass . It's late at night so i sat in my room and cracked open a window.

I lit the smoke and felt a sence of relief i proceeded to take a sip of my beverage and felt it again... relief...

So i had more and more... I tried to stop but i didn't feel the pain. I felt calm that night i drank 7 bottles of russian vodka and a few shots

The next day i did the same thing and same with the next day. That process went on and on... "He doesn't feel the same way about you", "you are worth less so just do it" do what u might ask...well... This has happened before so let me recap

It was 7 grade and i fell in love with my best friends brother and she was ok with it knowing i was a good person so i slept over at her place and he asked me out of course I said yes and we dated for 6 months then he broke me the we stayed apart for 3 months then we dated again then we dated for 7 months broke up then he moved on they dated for 3 months then they broke up he asked me out again and i said yes i was blinded by the love not knowing that this would affect me mentaly.

Then we broke up but this time it was different i felt used,broken,alone...

So i did something that will stick with me forever

I grabbed a knife and slid it down on my arm and did it over and over. It was better to feel the physical pain rather than the emotonal so i did it over and over and got light headed i ran out of space on both my arms. Even though i knew i was going to faint from the blood loss i moved on to my legs and did the same thing then i proceeded to drink the left over bottle of vodka that was half full and passed out.

I woke up hearing the heart monitor and seeing a nurse when she saw me she started crying i didn't know why till she called my parents my dad whispering in my ear saying "well talk at home" at first i thought it was going to be about my feelings till i realised that the nurse gave me more of a reaction then my parents did. My parents left and a hour later a therapist came in offered to talk about my problems.

I don't have the best life at home or at school so i said no knowing that if i said yes i would probably have a breakdown

I got home after a while and my parents began to yell at me at that moment i felt so much pain so i ran to my room . I had no Smokes or intoxicating drink in reach so i popped pills .

That was a new addiction

Knowing it would not be good for me in the king run i continued to take more after a few i felt "different" i cant discribe the feeling

My depression and anxiety got worse and got insomnia and later on got sleep paralasis the bags under my eyes became more visible by the day at school i wouldnt talk to anyone , teachers would ask me if I'm ok , my friends got worried .

I had scars everywhere looked like i haven't slept in weeks due to the black under my eyes and i figured i couldn't open up cause i didnt trust anyone

I still sit in my room day to day and my parents continue to call me "lazy", "selfish" and other names . I've gotten use to it but they are more nice now

I have slowed down on my addictions because my physical health is not good at all so i write about my life in my d.a book i have I write about my feelings and problems

If u go through the same i am so sorry just keep fighting and don't feed Ur addictions