Addiction

thoughts

At school i often feel lost, like i don't belong i often get bullied by all the pretty girls at school and it's one of the reasons i have dismorphia and became Anorexic at home i write about my thoughts in my t.o.d book.

The boys at school only like me for my body so it's hard to find someone who i think will love me for me. I don't like people much but i hang around them so i don't feel lonely. When i am alone my thoughts take over and i cry for hours on end about how I'm not good enough and about the fact that i am loved in the wrong way and hated by other's.

I wear hoodies and long pants very often because of my dismorphia and the many scars i have on my arms and legs and i don't like the fact that our uniform is a skirt and a platted shirt but we have a blazer and our skirts have to be to our knees so i saw that as a opportunity.

When i open tiktok all there is on my fyp is pain and sadness it's like it knows what i am going through.

I listen to my playlists on repeat blocking the screams of my parents.

I use to be scared of the dark as a child, as soon as the lights were turned off i would run to where i needed to be but now i live in the dark. I have sleep paralasis and insomnia that i have gotten use to over the years the worst sleep paralasis demon i have I named him Jack he would stand next to me and whisper all all the painful things i have gone through. I don't see what i should be scared of when i know it's not real and plus i have my dad to worry about... He sleep walks and yells at me in his sleep I've gotten use to that aswell.

When my parents yell at me i often overthink about why i am still alive if they don't love me but as everyone says someone out there does so i attached myself to that and have now never really given up on it