For Ahn Yujin, mornings were often uneventful, waking early at the crack of dawn to see Gaeul off to college, eating a snack, going back to sleep, then waking at ten or eleven.
Then without brushing her teeth or hair, she'd sit and paint wherever, each stroke painted skillfully under the gaze of soulless eyes.
After high school, she no longer wrote or took interest in it, notebooks of self-written poetry buried deep in the bottoms of other supplies.
A part of Yujin had disintegrated, and she owed it all to Wonyoung.
.
"Wonyoung, can we meet up and talk?"
Yujin didn't mean to beg. She knew how pathetic begging was, but what can a girl do when her heart's been ripped out and stomped on?
Wonyoung's breath crackled through the speaker on the other side, shallow breath the only response Yujin received.
"No, Yujin. I'm sorry."
Yujin had just finished crying, collecting the pieces of herself and pressing them jaggedly back together in order to speak without blubbering. It was a horrible idea to call Wonyoung just a few days after, she knew, but she was lost.
"Please?"
"I'm sorry, Yujin."
Anger flooded Yujin's heart, muddling with sorrow and guilt. She was unable to stop the tears from falling, and all Wonyoung heard on the other side was the heartwrenching noise of Yujin's sobs and sniffles.
"I love you, Wonyoung," she cried, keeling over on her bedroom floor, phone clutched to her aching chest. Her stomach hurt and her shoulders were sore from days of tensing, and nothing could make her feel better.
Silence. Wonyoung bit her lip hard trying not to give in, almost ripping fresh skin off. A bead of blood bubbled near the corner of her mouth.
"I- I don't," she said, with as little struggle as she could muster, fingernails digging into her palm. "We weren't meant to be and we aren't good for each other either."
Word after word that came from Wonyoung's lips made Yujin sob harder, and she eventually put herself on mute to scream into her hands and beat her chest. Everything she'd built was crashing apart, crumbling before her eyes, burying parts of her she knew she'd never get back under the debris.
"I don't love you anymore," Wonyoung said blankly, numb. She felt coldness bloom from her chest and spread into the rest of her body, chilling every nerve and vein into stillness.
Yujin unmuted herself.
"Okay. Okay," she choked out, eyes and nose red and watery. "I'm sorry for calling."
"I'm sorry. You deserve better," Wonyoung apologised, this time meaning what she said.
"No- no, you were enough! You were always enough," Yujin protested. "I went wrong somewhere, I'm so sorry."
Wonyoung couldn't continue. She'd tried so hard to keep herself from crumbling and running to Yujin's house to throw herself into her embrace and kiss her and tell her how much she loved her, but now she was falling apart at the seams. There were enough apologies from the both of them to last a lifetime, but there wasn't much to apologise for.
She had to end it. She knew it wouldn't be good for either of them. But why? She loved Yujin and Yujin loved her.
Because Wonyoung was afraid. And she'd always be afraid, not letting anyone in. Letting herself be seen vulnerable would always be something she'd be shameful of.
And that included Yujin. The more time Yujin spent around Wonyoung, the more insecure she became, always putting the blame for Wonyoung's sadness on herself.
Wonyoung grit her teeth and resisted grinding them into nubs. Yujin was loyal and clingy, and she'd persisted through so many occasions where Wonyoung would push her away.
Say something mean. Push her away.
"Yujin, stop. I don't love you anymore!"
"Oh. Okay."
"I'm so-"
"Just hang up. Sorry I called," Yujin said, slumped limply against the wall, shoulders curved in, with barely any energy to breathe.
"Okay."
Click.
.
Azzo barked repeatedly at Yujin's to get her attention. It became a nuisance after a few minutes, so Gaeul picked him up and cradled him. Pacified, he fell into silence and snuggled against her shoulder, staying there contently.
"When's the date?" she asked reluctantly, removing a strip of tape and penning down new lines to distract herself. Gaeul sat at her side, watching a movie on her phone. Hyunseo chewed gum, walking around the room and marvelling at the artworks hung on the walls.
Hyunseo blew a bubble and popped it with her tongue. "Tomorrow night."
Yujin sighed and slumped onto her table. "I'm looking forward to it," she drawled sarcastically.
.
Liz shook Wonyoung roughly, making her teeth and popcorn rattle in her head like an instrument.
"Wha- whagh- What!" Wonyoung grabbed her wrist to stop the assault on her shoulders, almost knocking over her snack.
"I got you a date!" Liz told her smugly. "My brother's friend's friend in high school has this other friend and she got her number and hooked me up with her!"
Wonyoung blinked. "That was so confusing, Liz."
"Basically the friend of my brother's friend has a friend who'd be a good match for you. She's tall and pretty, don't worry," Liz summarised, stealing a handful of chocolate popcorn from Wonyoung's bowl.
She pat her back reassuringly. "If she's a jerk, I'll get my brother to jump her."
"Thanks Liz," Wonyoung told her honestly.
Rei emerged from their shower in a white oversized shirt and biker shorts, towel hung over her neck under wet hair. She used one end to wring a fistful dry. Her face and neck were flushed, steamed pink by scorching hot water.
"Your turn," she said, looking at Wonyoung.
.
That night, Wonyoung had a nightmare. She jolted awake drenched in sweat, still feeling beads run down her back and chest. She instinctively flung her arm to her side, grappling for the hem of a T-shirt.
Yujin wasn't there. She hadn't been for five years.
Wonyoung sat with her legs under the covers in the dark and smacked her head.
God, that was so fucking dumb of me.
