When Izuku Remains To Not Give A Shit

Haha (Attempted) Murder

Well I'm gonna go ahead and make the horrible decision of posting this also, and probably more later/tomorrow 

Izuku's POV

Well, this isn't as fun as I thought.

"What should we do to kill him?"

It's been a few hours, and all they'll do is talk about how they're gonna do it. Yet, I have not had someone attempt to murk me yet.

"Well we could just have a surveillance Nomu crush him?"

"But I don't wanna clean that up!"

"Well then we could-" 

"Oh my god if you don't murder me soon the anticipation will!" I swear to fuck this kingdom picks their government officials off of if they can draw shit out for the longest.

"Every time you cuss you make us more and more required to execute you."

"I want to be executed dumbass! Just do it! Don't let your dreams be dreams! Just do it!"

"We could burn him at the stake?"

"Yeah... let's just do that." The official looking idiots were getting tired of this bullshit. Perfect.

15 minutes and a lot of snarky remarks later, I was in fact, tied to a stake.

"Oh you kinky motherfucker." 

And I would've been fine like that. Until he started fucking monologuing.

"You, green haired boy, do you understand what you did wrong?"

"I committed insert swear here?"

"That doesn't even make sense!"

"I don't have to make sense! I have a monster truck!" And because whatever god up there lives vicariously through me, a random fucking monster truck spawned out of thin air.

"How- WAIT THERE'S A GIRL STUCK UNDER IT!" The monologue bitch was panicking. So I did the only illogical thing to do.

I broke out of my ropes, ran over, and screamed "MISS KESHA MISS KESHA! MISS KESHA! Oh my fucking god shes fucking dead."

"What?! How'd you break out from our ropes?!"

"I'm a material girl!" I said, posing.

"What?!"

"Must I spawn another monster truck to make you understand that logic said Aight ima head out when god was making me?"

"No! Just.. just get back on the stake so we can light you on fire."

For once in my life I listened to a government authority, and I did. Only to immediately begin pole-dancing.

Sadly though, I didn't die when they finally got close enough the stake to light it on fire. The smoke did fuck with my lungs though.

"Fuck you I have asthma you whore!"

"What?! Why aren't you dead?!"

"You can't kill me im a bad bitch!" Unfortunately they had learned to ignore me by now, so that didn't get much attention.

"Whatever! We have to kill this, this delinquent!"

"Ooh I'm a certified baddie."

"Be quiet!"

We went through a lot of different methods to try and kill me after that.

They tried fire a bunch, to which I responded by screeching the entire lyrics of this girl is on fire.

They had the Nomu crush me a lot. The only obvious response to this one was to scream shit like "YEAH! CRUSH ME DADDY!" Until the council of dumbasses decided that wasn't worth it.

They stabbed me a few times, to which I just said "Caesar Salad?"

There was some drowning attempts, which wasn't great because I couldn't sass them underwater, but it was the least used method.

Eventually though, they gave up. 

"He just won't die! We haven't had an immortal since Midori!"

"I'm sorry who?" Suddenly my interest had peaked.

"Midori? The guy who died a hundred years ago?"

"Mm fun so what relevancy does he have?"

"He was also immortal and a huge pain in the boss's path to victory. When he died, we finally took over." Damn, they won't even recognize all my other cool shit?

"Great just wonderful." Well shit now I wanna know who took over.

"So what are we doing with him?"

"He'll have to have a court trial." Gasps echoed around the room. It sounded like a fucking movie.

"In front of the boss?"

"I think so. I really don't want to, but we must." 

"Cowabummer."

"Nomu, knock him out until the trial."

And I went back to sweet fucking sleep.

That's a wrap! Have a good morning afternoon or night and I'll see you next time!