The Journal of Regulus Arcturus Black

Chapter 4. Umbridge vs Slytherin's Cunning

I am a coward. I know this. When Sirius did everything that an older brother should do for the younger sibling, I could not. I remember the disappointed look he sent me every time he was punished in front of me. I also remembered the days where watching him get hurt pained me so much that I had to leave the room so that I couldn't see him.

So yes, I am coward. I thought that by joining the Dark Lord's ranks and becoming a Death Eater that I might become more brave. But I am no Gryffindor, I do not carry that trait. Sirius might have been a good Death Eater. But I don't think I could really see Sirius hurting people. He could throw a nasty hex in someone's way and sometimes the way he stared at me hurt. Imagining Sirius hurting people the way Bellatrix does is different.

She took me on a raid, like the ones you hear about in the Prophet. She tortured these poor muggleborns. It makes me a little sick to say the word mudblood now. To hear their screams, the way they bleed, the tear marks that track their skin. It fills me with nausea and sometimes I find myself sitting in my bedroom dry-heaving nothing because I'm too much of a coward to even be sick.

Sirius was right to call me a coward. To look at me with disdain. I am a monster. I hurt people and I just wanted to help Kreacher. Can you imagine that? Joining the Death Eater's and wearing the Dark Mark just so that I can make sure House-elves get the rights they deserve. It's almost ironic that I went in to help and now I'm just killing people.

I'm enclosing the article on the Smythe family deaths. I promise that I did not kill them, but that doesn't matter. The Daily Prophet doesn't know who did it, but I did. This is the first time I've ever been in the news before.

I wish it were for a nobler cause.

R.A.B.

***

Draco sat in his bed with the covers strewn carelessly around his body. His left hand was clutching his wand as he looked through his godfather's journal. The lumos he had cast was very weak and it was most likely a mimic of his magic, because Draco's heart was racing, reading inserts of his godfather's journal.

Regulus Black's story was very interesting to begin with. The way he wanted to join the Death Eater's and You-Know-Who because he felt isolated both at home and in Hogwarts. Draco felt like he was reading a story, the way his godfather phrased things was incredibly moving. He could paint a picture with his words easily and it was a talent.

Then Draco was met with the very real newspaper clippings from the Daily Prophet that showed the reality of war back then. There seemed to be new articles that dated almost everyday from the looks of it. Life before Draco was born was just war; people being terrified to walk the streets, disappearances almost daily and a clear-cut Light vs Dark side.

"This is so intense," Draco whispered, quickly looking up and around his bed. The rest of his roommates were all still sleeping, even through Vince's incredibly deep snores.

Draco decided that he was going to get out of his bed. He grabbed one of his many outer robes and quickly shrugged it over his shoulders, toeing into his slippers and then shuffling out of his bed properly. He looked down at the 'Slytherin Prefect' badge just on his night stand and frowned, before taking it.

If worse came to worst at least Draco could try and use his prefect position as a reason for wandering the Hogwarts corridors at the dead of night. Draco cast a quick notice-me-not charm over himself and shuffled out of the boys dormitories. He was quick and quiet to leave the Slytherin common room and start to wander the halls.

The castle was almost humming with sleep, like a sentient being. Draco had always felt that you could feel the magic of Hogwarts itself much more clearer in the dead of night. Or when there was a holiday with less students occupying the space. Draco's hand that wasn't clutching his godfather's journal and wand was out and grazing the walls of the castle. Hogwarts pulsed with raw magic under Draco's fingertips and when he concentrated just enough Draco could feel a dull vibration run in the very bones of his fingers.