The Journal of Regulus Arcturus Black

Chapter 11. Learning Parseltongue

We're run by fear. Most Death Eaters know this, but none of the new recruits do and it's a cruel thing to do. Promise a young pureblood wizard or witch the ability to become part of the Death Eaters and eventually sign their souls over to Voldemort. They only realise until they have the Mark, until they get tortured or have to do the torturing themselves that this entire place is run by fear.

No one else is going to help them and sometimes I think I should say something. Warn these impressionable youths that their signing over more than they bargained for. The moment I found out that this place was run by fear was the first time I was cruicio'd. It was by the hand of the Dark Lord and Bella says that it should be an honour.

But I could see the relief in her eyes that it was not her who had to face his wrath. She was just as scared as I and maybe, if she knew better, she'd want an out too. I just can't believe that I was too naïve to see the fear in Lucius's eyes when he tried to recruit me. I can't believe he tried to recruit me, knowing exactly what I'd have to face.

But Cissa's husband has always been a coward. I can say that. Knowing truly, and wholly, that Lucius Malfoy is a terrible and vile human being who deserves to rot. I know what it's like to be under his own hand when suffering through a crucio and I have decided that I will not fight for him. Nor any Dark Lord, or anyone who likes to use the title 'Lord' and take advantage of it.

The Dark Lord does not understand the responsibility it takes to become a Lord of one's houses and many estates. He does know of the weight of generations to come and ancestral generations pressed down on his shoulders. He'll never know and that's why I know I can not be a Death Eater.

I guess the Mark on my arm is a bit of a contradiction.

But whoever said that Black's can't be dramatic?

I think it was ultimately the fear of the Dark Lord that planted the little seed of doubt in my mind. I know that adults in my life have always abandoned me. I have never had the love of a Mother, the care of a Father. I could never trust Dumbledore, who throughout my enter school life, favoured Gryffindors like it was the source of his life. Or Professor Slughorn, who should have been the first to help me.

In a twisted sort of way, I never even had the love of Sirius. Never the pride of the Dark Lord or even little old Lucius. It doesn't matter, no one actually cares. People are selfish that way. Well alright then, I think I'll be a little selfish too.

R.A.B.

***

The O.W.L.s went as follows. There would be a one and half to two hour exams that was purely theory work. This included a lot of essay writings and depending on the subject, some were longer than others. Arithmancy was a short one hour exam and lifted some of Draco's spirits, because he got to have his last exam, left on an easy note.

Transfiguration, Charms, Potions and DADA were all two and half hours long, but it didn't matter too much. Everyone else was suffering like Draco. After their morning exams, the students would have a couple hours of revision and move onto the practical's. They were all assigned different appointments by the Ministry and given some time to show off what they had been studying for the last five years.

This meant that Draco, Millie and Theo were hunched together in the common rooms studying like crazy whilst the rest of the group tried their best to make sure that they didn't combust. This usually meant Blaise and Pansy were on distraction duty and trying to force them into breaks, whilst Vince and Greg brought food from the Great Hall. Because they would have some breaks and take the occasional walk, but they hardly ever ate.