Office hookup | M. Chifuyu x reader

Feel

~ I ain't never had a place I could call home.I ain't never had nobody I could run to.I ain't never had a home I could come to.I ain't ever have nobody really love me.And that's probably why I don't know how to love you~
Feel by Phora

🪐chapter 13:numb the pain🪐

Chifuyu's pov:
"So, you mean to tell me she was a spy", Baji asked me and put the cigarette back between his lips, "I'm surprised we didn't catch her earlier, she's got at her job".

"I can't tell, if she was hired to kill me or just to spy on me", I pull one cigarette out. I don't smoke often, mostly when I'm stressed. Trust me, I didn't show it, but I wanted to cry.

"How did you find out about her? Did you had your suspicions from the beginning? And if you did, why didn't you tell me?", Baji looked at me and let out the smoke from the cigarette.

"I had suspicions, but I didn't had proof. Maybe I didn't want to admit it to myself, since I was in fact in love with her", I looked down and clinched my fists. I am so stupid to think someone will actually love me. All of the women, that been in my life, are after two things-money or my head. I'm so fed up with this, so I shut down my feelings. But, I guess woman are smarter creatures and they know how to get to you, even if you're not emotionally available for them.

Don't get me wrong, I don't feel bad, because I got fooled by a professional spy and assassin, oh no! I feel bad, because for a moment I let myself feel the basic emotions and now I have to do something to protect my people. That is going to be a pain in the ass. I am a very, very lazy person, but not in a way you might be or your friends. I am lazy, when it comes to these stupid stuff like confrontations. After Toman fell apart I was more than sure, that I would never get myself back in this mess again, but your past is always going to be with you. No matter what you're doing you can't escape from what you've already created.

"You don't really believe that you're the reason for that, right? Why would you blame yourself for her lies?", Baji asked me snapping me out of my thoughts, "and even if you didn't see it coming, I'm pretty sure you already found the solution for this. I know you did".

"Nah, i won't do anything", I say and Baji immediately got irritated by my words, but he still tried to listen to me. I don't have a plan, because I don't want to get involved even further in their stupid games. I would only try to protect my people and the rest...I will let it happen. If I have to die in order for Baji and the guys to live-I will do it. When it comes to y/n I can't let her have her peace. "The only person I will focus on is y/n. I don't care about the Haitani brothers, more importantly Hanma is after them, that's the 'project' he wanted me to invest in, but I didn't, so he'll take care of them for us and we get out with clean hands".

"Chifuyu, we don't know how dangerous that girl might be", Baji tried to talk me out of this, but he knows better. When I want something I get it. I looked at him with the most emotionless expression and shook my head.

"I will figure that on my own. You know, Baji, people are created to be in control of their life, but they let something so small as emotions to have an impact on their whole existence. So, if we take that as a weapon, we might succeed".

"You think she has feelings for you?".

"Even tho she claims she does it only for the money, she's lying. If she wanted to kill me, she could've do it, when we were alone. But she never tried, not even once. Maybe behind her act there are actual feelings".

"Are you sure you're right?".

"Maybe...or maybe I'm overthinking it. Maybe I should just contact the Haitanis and end this shit on the spot".

"Do what you think is right", Baji advised me.

Do what I think is right, huh? That's a pretty shitty advice, if I have to be honest. I am a rational person, I always rethink everything before doing something and I don't let my feelings get involved, but this time...I don't know, if I can be rational. If I do something I and the guys are going to get hurt, probably we'll lose, because we are not as strong as the Hairanis, but we have 20% chance. If I don't do something, then I will get hurt and probably killed by the woman I love. Damn it, I wanted to hit something so hard. Love is stupid, pointless and hurtful. Love is a waste of time and energy. But love...

Flashback:

"You'll understand one day, when you fall in love, dude", Izana told me the day before he left Tokyo for good. He was one of the biggest names on the streets back in my days, even Mikey was nothing compared to him. Even tho the guy was the greatest, he always lacked something and that was 'love'. He left Tokyo after he met this chick. Back then I didn't understand him and his motives. When he told me: "love can't be explained and you can't think rational, when you're deep into it, but not everything has to be logical, Chifuyu, and you'll understand it, when you meet the one".

Did I 'met the one'? Is that why I don't want to admit to myself, that y/n IS my enemy? Back, when Izana told me this I thought that the guy is completely crazy to leave all that he built with his two hands behind for a for a chick, that only can give him a baby. But now...maybe I understand that woman aren't just to produce life. When y/n was around me..I felt safe and in peace. Now..I don't have that anymore and my anxiety is kicking in. I gotta do something to stop all of this. Gotta find her and talk her out of this.