The Bone Crush (mxm)

Episode 4 - Old Friend

I've spent the last 21 years breathing properly and naturally, and all it took was a couple of seconds for me to forget how to do that completely.

His walk over here was first slow and constant, before it turned into him brisking when he noticed that I was here before him.

He stops just a few feet away from me, his hands in his pockets, his smile enlightened by the electric lights in the area. 

For a moment, everything is silent. My heartbeat. My brain. My surroundings. The crickets. Him.

We're looking at each other and not saying anything at all.

He's smiling at me, and I'm speechless. I'm suddenly reminded of how pretty his smile was, how innocent and pure and sincere it looked. He still has that same beauty about him, that same charm that has always been particular to nobody but him.

I didn't want to smile back at him, but I do it anyway, just like a little kid at Christmas.

"Shane", he says, "it's so good to see you." Stop it, Dillon. "H... How are you doing?" His question seems genuine, unlike any form of small talk another person would choose to  engage in.

"I'm good, I'm good. How are you, Dillon?" I say, and I notice how out of breath I sound, how my words are coming out of my mouth in whispers.

"I'm good too. It's so good to see you Shane!". He says it for the second time and I can tell from his chuckling that he means it. 

I don't say anything, not that I know what to say in this situation.

He asks me: "Funny coincidence how we both ended up here, right? Whatchu doing?"

"I, uh, well, as you can see, I'm just chilling with the trees."

"Well, would the trees and you mind if I joined you?"

There it is again. His quirky strange way of wording things and asking questions. 

"I personally wouldn't mind, but I'm not sure about the trees." I reply, and he laughs at what I just said. He doesn't giggle in a fake or held back or muffled way. He laughs intensely, as if I just said the funniest joke ever. He always laughed at my jokes in the old days. It used to make me feel funny and important.

He sits down beside me, his legs crossed just like mine. For a moment, we stop talking, both looking at some abstract hidden nothingness in the horizon. My eyesight and his eventually end up connecting, and we hold eye contact for what seems like both a few seconds and eternity. 

We're still silent until he breaks it by asking me, "Why didn't you answer my text today?"

I take a moment to think of an answer, and wonder whether I should apologize, justify myself or be honest. I choose the latter.

"I just thought it would be weird to see you after all these years."

"You're seeing me now", he responds.

"Yes, but this was not planned."

"So you didn't wanna plan to see me?"

"I didn't want to go through the stress of having to meet someone I once knew until it stopped." There. I said it.

"Shane, are you saying you don't know me anymore?"

"It feels like it sometimes. Most of the time. We haven't talked in three years, Dillon. What did you expect?'

I'm not sure at what point in this interaction the charm he held over me was weakened, because the version of me that is now addressing him is more unhinged and aware of the truth than me when I'm enchanted by his presence.

Despite him always seeming to know what to say, my affirmation seems to have unsettled him. He looks shocked or regretful or perhaps both at the same time. He doesn't say anything, so I don't say anything.

After a while, he decides to speak again. "I'm really, really sorry Shane. There's nothing I can say that can justify my silence all this time. Fuck, I never intended to hurt you, to me it was like my world at college and my world here in this town were totally different, you know?"

I don't reply, because I'm still shocked I had the courage to call him out at all. Back in the old days, I'd never want to confront him. I thought that would mean hurting him, even if it meant bottling up my own feelings in the process. But I guess our time apart changed me into a more honest Shane when it comes to Dillon and the way he can disregard me sometimes. However, now, I'm not going to lie or negate the consequences his actions can have, and I'm proud of myself for it.

Noticing my silence, he stands up, and is now in front of me. "Hey, Shane", he says, "I don't expect you to forgive me or want anything to do with me at all. If you wish not to speak with me anymore, I understand. I was an asshole and I regret it. You didn't deserve being neglected by me, especially when you've been such a good friend to me."

There's pain in his eyes as he's speaking, and deep down, it hurts me to see him struggling for my forgiveness. However, I know better than to show him empathy and make it that easy for him, so I decide not to reflect it. 

"Thank you for being honest." I say, simply.

"I'm back in town now, and you probably already know that. If you ever need a friend to talk to, or if you ever need me - for anything -, you know where to find me, Shane. I'm still here, and I need you to know that, okay? I will leave you alone for now, and I promise not to bother you. Just know that I'm here."

His words mean a lot to me, and I believe him when he says them, but again, I won't show it. I just give him a light, sad smile and I nod my head.

He turns his back, getting ready to leave. But before I know it, he's facing me again. He walks towards me again, and he gives me a small kiss on my cheek, before disappearing into the night view, for real this time.

I would never admit it, but what he just did has melted my heart. His gesture marked me, and I sensed tears forming in my eyes.

I missed the affection he had inside him. I missed him and everything about him.

What the hell just happened, and what the hell does it mean?