The Bone Crush (mxm)

Episode 2 - Ignorance Is Bliss

I spend most of my summer with Lu and her friends, who basically adopted me when I was friendless in college. They're great people and I like them. At least, they wouldn't pretend not to know me all suddenly. They wouldn't make me listen to their problems and not give an ounce of care about mine. All in all, they wouldn't make me feel miserable, the way Dillon made me feel. But I try not to care about that anymore. I don't, because he's not worth my attention.

We're at Lu's house and it's getting late. Being the fun girl she is, we're in the middle of a pool party, with drunk people all around us and beers and pizzas just floating through the house.

I get out of the pool to dry myself, and Lu calls for me to join her and our friend group. They're sitting in a circle on the terrace, and I can already tell they're up to their own gossip party.

"We have all collectively agreed that you either tell us who your hottie neighbor is, or you're forever excluded from the group, right guys?" 

Her ridiculous statement is followed by a bunch of "yeah" 's and "right" 's and laughter. I pretend not to know who she's referring to. Is Dillon really that magnetic, that he even caught the eye of my friends?

"Wait, so I have neighbors? Who also happen to be hot? I never noticed that, to be honest."

"Bull. Shit. Lu caught you checking him out through your window, little freak." 

I look at Ailin, another one of my friends, and I wish I could kill her right now. When did Lu even see me do that? She looks at me, nodding, and answers me, as if she's reading my mind. "When I was sleeping over, dumbass."

So she saw me taking a look at the person who was once everything I had? While she was asleep? At my house? In my bed? Ugh.

My prolonged silence and my evading gaze betray me, and I look guilty as charged for what it's worth. My friends are all exchanging glances and smiling, as if they have busted and caught me in my failing attempts at lying. I'm internally cursing my body language for stabbing me in the back. I still choose to act dumb or uninterested or whatever it is I can do to hide any connection I could ever have to freaking Dillon. 

"Easy, guys", I say, "I think Lu must have interpreted it wrong. Yes, there was someone I was looking at, emphasis on looking, but I wasn't "checking him out". Lu just likes to spill tea, that's what she does ". 

"And who's that someone you were looking at? Cause you looking at him certainly lasted for what, 5 minutes?" Lu again. With her smile and her wicked eyes glittering and teasing me. I love her, but she can be unbearable at times.

"Just an old friend.", I say.

When they start another round of unnecessary chaffing, I give them the middle finger, turn around and decide to get back to the heart of the party.  Why is it that despite me pretending he's not back, his presence insists on following me everywhere I go, even through my friends, the ones I got to replace the void he left in me?

I need something, anything to get him out of my mind. I feel anxious right now. I don't want to be reminded of him, after all the effort it took me to get him out of my mind. I realize that I never told anybody about him, not my parents, not my friends, nobody. Them finding out about it only makes it more real, how he suddenly left me and how pathetic I must be for still caring about him. Someone who's never been nothing but a friend, someone who never gave me anything or owed me anything at all. 

I need a drink or two. Or three. Or ten.

I'm pouring myself a glass of some drink, but I'm not sure what it is. As long as it's alcoholic and strong enough, I'm all in. It tastes bad, and I give myself some more. I notice from the corner of my eye a stranger that I have never seen before. He's holding my look and he's staring back at me. He's holding a cigarette in one hand and his phone in another hand, though he's not looking at it. His eyes are fixating me, and I'm not sure if I should feel flattered or intimidated. He's walking towards me... Now, he's standing next to me, but he keeps quiet for a while. He breaks the silence eventually.

"I don't know you.", he says, simply and directly.

"Me neither."

"I wanna get to know you."

"Thanks? Um, me too, maybe."

He doesn't seem too keen to have a conversation with me at all, and that's honestly a relief cause I'm in no mood for that right now. He holds out his hand to me, and I'm hesitant to grab it for a little while, but I put it in his eventually.

He walks, leading me behind him. We go upstairs in Lu's house and enter her guest bedroom. Before I know it, we're in bed, making out. I'm shirtless, his pants are off, he's on top of me. I close my eyes, trying to find something in this random man to enjoy. He's good-looking and I could use some fun, but my drunken mind desires somebody else completely. Someone who lives in the house across from mine.

I close my eyes, and I try to imagine Dillon was here instead. The idea of sleeping with whomever this person is suddenly becomes much more appealing now. My body is activated by the images flowing through my brain, and I react much more intensely, much more passionately.

I realize I'm intoxicated by Dillon, because the thoughts and memories of him are embedded in my memory like poison. As much as he hurt me, I desire him, though I'd never admit it.

This is why I keep our story to myself. Because my attraction to him is incensed, and it makes me look so small and weak and powerless. So I live in the illusion of moving on from him. Nobody has to know about us, honestly. Ignorance is bliss.

I'm out of the party and on my way home, which should usually take me 5 minutes. But the walk there feels like it goes on and on for hours. When I'm finally in my neighborhood and about to enter my house, I see him. Standing in his doorway and looking straight at me. I can't believe my eyes, and I don't know if it's the alcohol in my blood or if that's him, but he's right there. I panic, and I lose my mind, and I want the ground to break and swallow me whole. He waves at me, and I just turn around and run as fast as I can until I'm inside the house. I'm in my bedroom, I wrap myself in my blanket and I stay there, unable to sleep or pass out despite all the intoxication I subjected myself to tonight.

Dillon. Dillon. Dillon. I think I saw him and my heart's about to explode.