The Bone Crush (mxm)

Episode 3 - The Bone Crush

It's morning already, and I can't believe it. The few hours between the strangest night I've ever had and this very moment seem like nothing and everything, as if time had moved so fast and didn't move at all, simultaneously.
I saw him, three years later. I saw him and I ran away. I saw him and every single thing I've done to convince myself I was over the Dillon phase I was once so deep in, is all gone and buried now. If there's anyone I'm fooling with my denial, it's myself.
I'm in bed, shaking and holding tight to my pillow, using it as my comfort source. I feel like a kid who just escaped what he thinks is a monster and refusing to believe that things will be okay. Is it going to be okay? With him haunting my memories and my space?
I eventually pass out when it's about 8 in the morning, and I sleep all the way until the afternoon.
When I wake up, I can feel my headache killing me. I think it's the afternoon, but my battery is dead, so I can't be sure. I also smell like alcohol and bad decisions, and my Sunday seems like it's gone to waste entirely.
I recharge my phone, take a shower, eat some of what is left from the lunch my family had today, and I feel closer to being a normal sane human again.
I check my phone after it's been off, probably since yesterday. I scroll through my notifications. Nothing special, apart from some silly messages from my friend group and other general notifications and some emails and... a text from an unsaved number. An unsaved phone number that I deleted from my phone years ago but that I still remember to this day.

It was so nice seeing you after all these years, even for a split second LOL. I'm not sure if you want that but I'd be down to meet up for a coffee sometime soon. Let me know if you're in. x - Dillon

What the hell?
I probably re-read the text like 15 times before I can confirm that whatever happened right here is real. Dillon casually texted me to meet up as if for him, it was the easiest thing to do in the world. 

I panic and I'm mad, so mad. Mad at him for ending our friendship for no reason, mad at him for ruining me the way he did.

For what seems like 99% of the rest of my day, my mind keeps wrestling between me being rightfully pissed and me blaming somebody who owes me nothing. Because maybe, this whole thing we had was just like any other friendship in the world, and friendships are at risk of diminishing with time, knowing that life happens and people go their separate ways.

The thing is, I wouldn't have felt like this if it was anybody else. But this is Dillon we're talking about. My old best friend. The straight guy I naively fell head over heels for. So I can't blame him for breaking my heart, that would be too unfair for him. He didn't choose to toy with my feelings or hurt me. I did this to myself. Never again, I promise while looking in the mirror.

Nonetheless, I still feel incapable of acting normal or responding to him. I've got to protect my own energy and feelings. I know the impact Dillon can have on me emotionally, and hanging out with him now after all this time, is not only really weird, but could also be destructive for the development I've had since our friendship came to an end. I can't rely on the hope of having him to keep me sane and happy, I'm over that phase. At least, I try to be. So I delete his text and pretend it never happened.

Later on, Lu texts me asking me to hang out, but I don't reply, either. I'm feeling sad today, and I wanna be left alone with my thoughts. I go to my garage and I grab my old bike, the one I used to take with me during my trips in town with Dillon. 

I bike and I bike and I bike. I stop at Alfred's, and I order the same milkshake I used to have when we'd come here. Then I I go back to biking, illuminated by the streetlights. People around are laughing, or running, or walking their dogs, and I feel like I'm the saddest boy in town right now.

From my headphones, I can hear  "gold rush" by Taylor Swift playing, and though it came up on shuffle, I find it so ironic how her lyrics apply exactly to my version of the Dillon story, the one I gatekeep deep in my soul, the one I can't get over, even at 21. "I don't like that falling feels like flying till the bone crush, everybody wants you, but I don't like a gold rush", she's saying, and I feel slightly better knowing the experience I've had, it's common between several kinds of people who have once fallen for someone so inexplicably. People who have gotten so high because of a person, and thought that jumping and falling down would end with them on a cotton candy cloud instead of rock bottom. 

My bike leads me to the streets we've been through, near the houses we've dreamed of having when we grew up. This town looks exactly the same as it once did, but something about it that I can't quite explain is different, altered and forever changed. 

I'm not aware of the passing time, so when my phone indicates I've been biking for 2 hours and that it's almost 10 PM, I'm brought back to reality, ending my episode of escapism.

I get off it and put it aside, and I lean against a tree. Everything around me is peacefully silent, aside from the crickets that are contributing in adding effect to the vibe of today.

I close my eyes, and I'm so relaxed, I think I fall asleep for a few minutes. 

When I open them again, everything's still the same, except for one detail. I see Dillon's silhouette walking over here, and at this instant, I'm begging Mother Nature to send lightning over me and make me disappear.