I've been sitting in my house all evening staring at my phone. I want to text Matthew and meet up. I want to tell him how I feel about him, but I'm struggling. I don't want to be rejected, and yeah he may have said what he said to Eleanor, but who knows if that means he wants a relationship with me. I know how Matthew is, he doesn't want to be tied down, he loves sleeping around and going from girl to girl. He very well could just have a crush but want nothing to do with it.
This is a big decision.
My phone rings, and I see it's Nickolas calling. I put the phone to my ear and answer.
"Hey Nick, what's up?"
"How quick can you get here?" He asks. "Why, what's going on?" I ask with worry.
"Matt's having some kind of episode.. I don't know what to do. He only listens to you." He says. "I'll be right over." I hang up the phone, and grab my jacket as I head out the door. I feel panic set in, not knowing how bad it is, or if Matt is okay. please let him be okay.
I speedily drive to the boys' house, and go inside. I hear the sound of something crashing which makes me jump, and Nick points to Matt's room. "He's in there", He says. "He's having a complete meltdown, I don't know what to do. He hasn't been like this in a long time.." I quickly make my way back to Matt's room, and slowly open the door. I see him sat on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands. He's sobbing.. and there's a broken lamp on the floor along with his phone that is shattered. "Get out!" He yells at me, but avoids eye contact. "What's going on Matty?" I ask quietly as I walk towards him.
I sit down next to him on the bed, running my hand over his arm but he nudges me off. "I said go away", He says more sternly, wiping the tears from his face. Seeing him cry hurts me so badly.. I just want him to be okay. I want to just be able to take all of his pain away. "No." I say.
"God you're so fucking clingy", He says in a dark and hateful voice, and I block his awful comment from hurting me. He doesn't mean it, I just need to ignore it. Right now he will say and do anything just to get his anger and upset out. "What happened?" I ask. "Don't you understand! I don't need you to fix me Iris just go home!" He yells and stands to his feet. I stand with him, and he scoffs, throwing his hands in the air. "Am I really all you have? You're always around, trying to fix and change me when you can't!"
I once again, ignore his comment. I lean against the wall silently, just watching him release his anger. If he wants me to shut up and pretend not to be here, then I will do that. But I am not about to abandon him when he's having a manic depressive episode. "Jesus Christ why aren't you leaving?!"
"Because I don't run away." I state. "Well you should. I'm not in my right mind, I could hurt you", He says. "No you won't." I shake my head.
"Are you that stupid?" He asks.
I move from the wall, and stand in front of the brown eyed boy. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I know exactly who he is. I am safe with him, no matter what he's going through. "Do it", I encourage. "What?"
"Hit me, hurt me, do what you think you are so unable to control", I say and he shakes his head frantically. "See..." I say, lightly pressing my hands to his tear stained cheeks. "You would never hurt me.."
"Why are you still here?" He asks, more softly this time. "Because I don't run." He starts crying again, and I pull him into me tightly. My heart breaks at the sound of this boys sobs. I'm so glad I didn't leave. he needs me.
"It's okay. I've got you", I mumble, holding him close. "I'm sorry", He cries. "It's okay Matty. It's okay", I try to soothe him.
I remember reading somewhere that jet lag can trigger a manic episode in people with bipolar disorder, that must be what happened. My sweet boy deserves better than this shit.. "Please don't leave me.." he pleads. "Never." I say.
After laying with Matt all evening to calm him down, he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I still play with his hair though, because it brings me comfort. All the difficulty that comes with Matthew is so worth it for moments like this with him. Just pure peace. The bedroom door opens slowly, and Nick quietly walks in, seeing that Matt is asleep. "I don't know how you do it." He says, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"He just needs someone to not be scared of him.." I shrug. "I don't know what he'd do without you", Nicolas says and I smile. "That big of a difference?" I question. "I hate to say it, I really do- but he was a nightmare before you came around. He trusts you, in a way I've never seen before."
I continue playing with Matt's hair, letting my fingers glide down the side of his face. "I love him", I look up to meet Nicolas' eyes, which are looking at me with pure shock. "What?" He asks a little too loud, and I look down to the boy to make sure he's still sleeping. "He makes me happy in a way I don't think I've ever experienced before. I love him."
Nick gets a smile on his face, a smile that seems so genuine. "My best friends are gonna get married!" He whisper yells happily. "Don't get ahead of yourself, he friend zoned me the other day." I sigh. "Iris, trust me when I tell you- Matt would lose his shit if he knew that you just said that you love him." He says. "I mean look at him. He's never been like this with anyone.. ever." My eyes gaze down at the sleeping Matthew, and I smile. He's sweet and cuddly, just for me. "Tell him, because I guarantee you'll get what you want."
I don't know when it happened, I don't know what moment was the moment that made me fall for him. Maybe it wasn't a moment at all. Maybe it's that since we met, I was drawn to him. I wanted to know more of him, I saw something below the surface and I found it, then I dug even deeper.
I found Matthew's soul, and it is beautiful, and precious, and so lovable
