Mated To Another

Chapter 04: Desire To Sin

My gaze is drawn to the enormous table, and I have the feeling that all eyes are on me. There are expressions of sympathy, pity, contempt, rage, and disgust. My sight wanders across the room and settles on my brother, who is looking down, it must have pained him to see his sister being humiliated like this, and then my gaze falls on Delila, who is seething with rage and has her eyes closed. She opens her eyes to look at me, and I offer her an appreciative nod for not lashing out. I close my eyes and dash out of the dining hall and the packhouse, my head down.

Despite the fact that everyone knew, no one ever said it aloud that I am wolfless. Even if they believed me to be cursed or simply thought that I was deemed unworthy to the Goddess, they never voiced it aloud. And, while I am aware of the vile rumours about me and Ciro, no one has ever branded me a whore in front of everyone. Everyone talks about me behind my back, but this is the first time such things have been said directly to my face. The grief and pain from all those insults behind my back had scarcely ever affected me since I had already made peace with it. Those things had ceased upsetting me a long time ago, but today when a juvenile insulted me in front of everyone and repeated what everyone is thinking, it just stings. I feel as if all the knives I had kept concealed in the deepest pit inside me to protect myself from getting hurt have been unleashed at once and are tearing at my flesh from the inside. However, I am thankful to you, Moon Goddess. At the very least, you are kind enough to keep my parents away from the pack. At the very least, my parents were spared seeing a juvenile disrespect their daughter. Or I'm not sure how much humiliation and hurt they would have felt. I am just glad they are not here.

I lost every ounce of self control I had to keep my tears at bay as I sat on the cold wooden floor. And all I could feel was a crushing weight on my chest and a desperate urge to let it all go. I'm not sure how strong the Goddess believes I am, but I can't hold myself up any longer. So I let go, I let go of the reins, and tears stream down my cheeks. I cry, I cry from the misery of those open wounds that I had been trying to mend for so long. I cry for the new wounds that are oozing blood and bleeding me from within.

Is being wolfless so significant that it is everything by which people judge my worth? Is being wolfless all they think me of? Is what they view me for, and everything of me is measured by whether or not I have a wolf! Is being a wolfless human born to werewolf parents in a werewolf world make me so unworthy?

I don't know. I just don't know what I should do. I'm not sure if I should just patch up the wounds that are burrowing so deep into me and get back on my feet. I don't know what to do.

'What should I do! You gave me all this misery; you should show me a path too, you cruel Goddess!' I scream as my horrors resurface to tear me apart once more. All of the fears, all of the horrors of being an outcast, cursed, and mateless come rushing back to flood my mind. And that night, I lay awake on my room's hardwood floor, weeping my heart out.

~~

The sun erupts on the horizon, and golden flowers spread out into the deep blue. It is the brilliant flower of the sky that warms our days. It is the invitation to a new day, that sunrise so ordinary extraordinary. The ray seeps through my room's thin white curtains and reaches my inert body on the floor. Not an ounce of sleep did I get throughout the night. My body is exhausted, but my mind forbade me from closing my eyes. The demons of my life kept me awake. My tears had dried up, and my heart had been stoned with anguish and humiliation.

As the day grows brighter, I hear a flurry of knocks on my door. I wish I could ignore the knocks and whoever was outside, but Delila, being the obstinate female she is, walks into my room regardless. I glance up to find Delila holding a dish of food, and her eyes flood up with tears as she stares at me on the floor. Delila gets down on her knees near me and places the plate on the bed. Grabbing me by the shoulder, she picks me up and helps me sit down on the bed. We exchange no words as Delila pulls out a fresh pair of clothing and hands them to me. Knowing her, I know she will not let me get away with slacking. So, after taking a bath, I change into my clothes and sit down on my bed. She hands me the plate and I begin chewing on the food in the silent company of my friend. But as I chew, all the memories and words that had been exchanged come flooding back to me. And before I could swallow the first mouthful, a lump forms in my throat and my eyes begins to sting from unshed tears. Tears stream down my cheeks as I gulp down the morsel of food.