A Life Sentence

June 12th, 2026

June 12th 2026

I feel like my head is about to explode. I had no idea that someone could get a headache this bad, this is complete friggin agony. I should be in bed, but somehow it feels like a waste, so here I am writing in this thing instead.

Lucas is out on the porch enjoying the weather. Despite the fact it's June and it should be hot as balls it is actually pretty nice, but I can't do that. I think if I tried to make it out there I would vomit enough to empty my entire body onto the floor.

Lucas warned me last night this would happen and I knew it too. I just didn't care. These past few weeks have been absolute shit and I was tired of thinking about it. So I decided to turn off my brain with a fifth of tequila. Now I think my brain is trying to turn off my body. I have never had a hangover this bad, but it was better than seeing Elena's body slowly disappear beneath each shovelful of dirt in my head over and over again.

As soon as I rolled up without Elena, Lucas knew something was up. When he saw me he didn't even have to ask. He just put his hand on my shoulder and started to unload the car. I disappeared into the house and dived into a bottle.

To Lucas's credit he tried to talk to me but I wasn't having it. My memory is a little hazy in places, but I have a vague notion that I ripped his ass for no reason. I will need to apologize to him for that. I am sure he will forgive me. He is not nearly as emotional as I am and he understands how my emotions swing like a pendulum from one side to the other.

What I am wondering is who is going to forgive me? As soon as I sobered up the crushing guilt came back. Why didn't I tell Elena she couldn't go? I could have kept her with me if I really wanted to, or I could run off Rod easily enough. Why didn't I do any of that?

I can tell you why, because I was afraid I would make Elena mad and I would lose her. Oh sure she might still be there with me, but I would have destroyed what we had left between us. Now that I think back on it, that would have been better than this.

What I don't think Lucas understands is just how in love I was with her. I never could really articulate it well. I tried but I always ended up sounding like a total moron. Now that she is gone I understand something. It wasn't just her company. She became a piece of me, a cornerstone in my life that kept me grounded. Maybe I thought in the back of mind she would see Rod for what he was and she would come back on her own. I would have welcomed her with open arms, but now that chance is gone, forever.

I have lost the single most important part of myself. There is a void there now that I don't think will ever be filled. Lucas has never had a relationship like that before so he doesn't understand. To be honest I think the thought of being that hopelessly entwined with another person scares the hell out of him. Probably even more now that he is seeing what happens when that bond is broken.

Life doesn't give a damn about any of that though. It marches on and it is not going to let me wallow in my own misery. Even though I know in my heart this pain will never go away completely maybe I can learn how to hide it instead, even from myself.

One thing I know for certain though, no more booze. The world is too unforgiving for those kinds of reckless indulgences. 

Can't say I blame him for getting drunk. Hopefully he learns his lesson. More to come! Please vote and comment!