I try to find you in the surreal clouds floating aimlessly in the wide sky, I try to find you in the first ray of the sun and in the last one. I try to find you in the completely dark sky with no stars, and I also try to find you in the sheen of the full moon. I try to find you in the fine strokes of a painting and I also try to find you in the depths of words and tales. I try to find you, Krishna, but I fail every single time. I can't find you in your name, I can't find you in my thoughts, I can't find you inside myself.
Yes, I know you're always here with me. I am made of you, how can I ever be separated from you? I know you're here, but I can't feel you Krishna. I can't hear you, I can't talk to you. I can't see your smile, I can't see my reflection in your eyes.
I have no one to talk to, no friend and no family. I only have you, but I haven't heard your voice since weeks. I try to call you but it seems like my voice vanishes in the vacuum before it can reach you. I don't know what is wrong. Are you trying to ignore me just like everyone else? Have I started irritating you too? Or am I just overthinking? I know I shouldn't be questioning you, but I let these thoughts enter my mind only because I'm losing trust in myself.
I'm not myself anymore. All my fears and flaws have subtly started seizing me. My insecurities have become my shadow. I feel chained, imprisoned, strangulated. I'm falling apart slowly but sharply. I'm unable to bear even the slightest hit of the hammer. I'm losing myself Krishna; I want to heal but I'm only losing myself to endless scars, I'm only revolving in a fractal of pain.
The balm of your love is all that I need to heal, Krishna. I know I ask a lot, I ask for more than what I deserve. I don't give as much as I ask for. I have only given you my failures, my fears, my imperfections, my complains and my tears, my pain and my scars. I haven't given you any reason to be proud of me. I haven't given you any reason to stay.
On this day of the last month, I was staring at the newly blossomed scarlet flowers, and today I'm staring at the brown leaves scorched due to the searing summer heat. You wanted me to be like those flowers – in full bloom, cheery and pure. But right now I'm like these leaves – charred, ready to fall in slow circles and embrace the golden dust.
I'm sorry, Krishna, I lost myself, and I think I lost you as well.
