You try to find me in surreal clouds floating aimlessly in the wide sky, you try to find me in the first ray of the sun and in the last one. You try to find me in the completely dark sky with no stars, and you also try to find me in the sheen of the full moon. You try to find me in the fine strokes of a painting and you also try to find me in the depths of words and tales. You try to find me, but you fail every single time.
No, priye, you don't.
You find me a hundred times in a day, each day, without a miss. Each October morning, when you picked up the harsingaar scattered all over the damp grass of your garden, I was present in the smile that lit up your still sleepy face. It had surprised you the first time you had seen those flowers in your garden, because you never planted a night jasmine tree, but that morning it was there and it made you happy. And you, my darling, you knew that those tiny white flowers were just my way of proposing to you on every single day of your favourite month. Everytime you cherish a bowl of spicy hot maggi at 2 am, everytime you “scream, cry, shake, throw up” while watching a cute scene of your favourite ship, everytime you close your eyes in peace while listening to a beautiful nazm, everytime you smile remembering an old friend, everytime you dream of travelling to a new city, everytime you weep over your academic mishaps, everytime you feel anxious thinking about your career – I'm there with you, to share all your laughs, smiles, tears, anxieties, insecurities, hopes, everything. I have the right to share your life, and I exercise that right 24/7, without even you probably knowing it. When you laugh hysterically at a dumb meme, I laugh at it too, just as hysterically as you. Your toothache is my toothache too. Your “desi girl” era is my “desi girl's absolutely desi boyfriend” era. You're anxious whether your career choices will work out or not? Well, same here, I'm just as anxious because it is my career too. You're sad because your friends don't talk to you anymore? I completely know it, I'm sad too, losing friends truly sucks.
You said you couldn't find me in my name, you said you couldn't find me in your thoughts, you also said that you couldn't find me inside yourself.
My question is, why do you need to find me? What are all these attempts for? Is there some treasure hunt going on? Why are you so desperately looking for me in every nook and cranny of the universe? Why don't you try publishing a “MISSING” article in the newspapers? Okay, jokes apart, when you already know that I'm always here with you, that you're made of me, and that you can never be separated from me, then why do you keep even an ounce of doubt in your heart?
Listen to me, and mark my words, I am with you even in moments when you are unable to feel me. I am with you, and you are with me - safe, absolutely safe, wrapped up in my love - and nothing can change that. Nothing will change that, ever.
On some days, when it rains, you're able to feel my presence in the rain. It feels like one of those “sapno ka jahan, hoga khila khila” days. On some days, you look at the sky and you are immediately able to spot me in the blue of the sky. Sometimes you sit down and talk to the moon for hours, and you are able to hear all my replies, you are able to see me smiling and nodding and giggling while you narrate your story. On some days, you sit on the swing and you can feel me giving you a soft push from the back. On some days, you break down, you cry, you vent out, and in that very moment you feel me holding your hands, keeping your head on my lap and wiping away your tears. On some days, you wake up with a jolt in the middle of the night, sweating, shaking with an unknown fear. And you find me by your side, and you feel me kiss your forehead and hear me say, “Don't worry, I am here.” On some days, you paint a picture and you already know I love it. On some days, you already know that I am with you, you can feel my presence so strongly, you can hear me, talk to me, see my smile, see your reflection in my eyes. But there are also days when you can't. When you wake up and feel alone. When the first rain of saavan strangely brings you only loneliness. When you wear green bangles but strangely don't feel like I've brought them for you. When you look at the sky - so vast and blue, yes, blue, but strangely you're unable to find your blue in it. When you talk to the moon, but don't get any replies. When you break down, you cry, you ask me to come to you, but till hours you keep feeling low, you find no lap to rest your head on, you find no fingers wiping your misery away. On such days, I want you to remember that it is completely okay to not be able to feel me. It doesn't mean you're out of love. It doesn't mean I am absent from your life. Every month, when you don't see the moon for fourteen days, does it mean the moon doesn't exist in those days? No, right? What do you do during krishna paksh? You trust and you wait. You trust that the moon is still there, probably in some other part of the world, but you know and you believe that it is still there. You patiently wait for it to show up again, because you very well know it will. Similarly, on days when you can't feel my presence anymore, you need to trust that I still am there no matter what. These are our tiny scattered moments of virah, and they have a purpose behind them. They're meant to make us stronger, they're meant to bring you closer to me, closer than you can ever imagine. All these moments are a part of my plans, and my plans are always in our favour.
You haven't heard my voice since weeks? What? You've got to be kidding me. You want to hear my voice? Say radhe radhe. You'll hear my voice. Say it again. You'll hear my voice again. Everytime you say radhe, it's nothing but my voice calling our swamini.
You try to call me but, to you it seems like your voice vanishes in the vacuum before it can reach me. So? I am present in the vacuum too, it does reach me. You not being able to hear a quick, solid reply from my end doesn't mean that your voice didn't reach me. Don't worry, there's nothing wrong. And no, I am not trying to ignore you. I am not the “everyone else” you're talking about. I am Krishna, your Krishna. I don't ignore, I only love. In all cases, in all circumstances, in all situations, in all ways possible and impossible, I love, I only love.
You should question me, priye. You have all the rights to question me. It just makes me feel more loved, more remembered. I love answering. What you must not do is lose the hope of getting an answer from me. What you must not do is lose your trust in me and in yourself. But even if you do, even if you lose trust in us, don't worry. I'll trust you for your part too. It's us, always us. I'll make up for whatever you lose. We're together in this.
All your fears, flaws, insecurities - all of them are valid, very valid. But they're not meant to seize you. In this entire universe, there's nothing that is meant to chain you, not even love. My love for you will free you from all the chains and all the fractals. It will take time, but it will happen.
You're not falling apart. You're only rising in love, slowly and sharply. Even if you lose yourself, there's no worry, because you'll lose yourself only to me. And I, priye, I will paint you blue.
I am healing you. You're in my shelter. I am healing you, trust me.
Yes, you do ask for a lot. You think that I give you much more than you deserve. Maybe. I don't know. When I love, I really don't see what you deserve and what you don't. I don't take a measuring cup and check how much love I must give you. I just empty all the love that I have in me, without any measures, without any conditions, without any limits.
It's alright, you don't need to give as much as you ask for. You remember me, and that's literally enough for me. Everytime you think of me, even in the smallest and most random moments, I swear it makes my day. I take even your failures, your fears, your imperfections, your complaints and your tears, your pain and your scars with happiness. I feel glad to know that you trust me with such important parts of your life.
You do give me lots of reasons to be proud of you. I am very much proud of you. You're an actual part of me, out there in that tough world, surviving, trying each day to be close to me despite all the difficulties, remembering to speak to me despite all the breakdowns.
You don't need to give me a reason to stay. I have come to you, I have held you, and now you are mine. I am never, ever giving away what's mine. I am never letting anything, and I mean anything, take away from me what belongs to me.
No, you are not like those brown leaves scorched due to the searing summer heat. You are like the soft white petals of harsingaar - so fresh, soaked in the dewdrops of my love. Even when you'll fall, you'll fall in a lover's garden, and you'll reach either a premika's braid or a writer's desk. You are like our favourite flower, like harsingaar, signifying love and only love.
You haven't lost me. You can't lose me. It's probably just another day of me playing hide and seek, but even in this game, even in this moment of our little virah, we're together. It's us, remember? It's always us.
