Scars fade, don't they?

See you again

Another day, another week.

His left arm is hurting, he hurt himself. More than before. Which stresses him alot. He blames himself for getting yelled at because he dropped two cakes, Niall bumped into him. But it's still his fault he dropped them. If he was just more steady to carry two cakes he wouldn't have dropped them.

It's nothing serious, but for him it is. He ruins everything. As usual. Always doing something wrong. He can never succeed in anything.
That's what he thinks at least, and he believes in it.

He has a day off, wishes he was working so he could get on other thoughts. But he can't.

Suddenly the boy he met the other day pops into his brain, the green eyes. His brown hair, his body is screaming for him. What is his name. He wishes he asked, but that would just be strange.

" Oh by the way, what's your name? You're so hot "

No way, he laughs at his own thoughts. But gets reminded of work quickly. His smile fades, he didn't even know he smiled.

He still hates himself. So much.

The shower stings, alot. He can barely stand it, a few tears are leaving his cheeks. It has never hurt this much when he showers, a thought about the wounds being infected is now in his brain. Maybe the blades where dirty from last time? No he always use new ones. Did he just cut deeper than usual?

He steps out of the shower and dries himself quickly, can't stand looking at his body. It's the ugliest thing he has ever seen in his life. His arms looking like hotdogs, same with his legs. Don't even mention his tummy. The fucking gut. He hates it. The fat rolls, he will never get rid of them. No matter how much he starves.

Louis is in constant pain, 24/7. If it isn't from selfharm it's hungerpains, but he deserves them he thinks. He always deserves to be in pain. There is never a day in his life he doesn't do anything to be in pain. But he feels safe. So safe. It's his safespace.
~~~~

The day goes by and he find himself in his bed, well he never left his bed. Only to pee and have something to eat, so he doesn't die. Well he wants that more than everything but he's too shy, if he ever had the braveness he would definitely do it. He would have done it years ago.

Lisa is sleeping below his feet, Louis is so surprised that she is out with him. It feels odd, weird to be honest. Her white fur is all over his blanket, she leaves hair all around the apartment. He's too lazy to clean it everyday. He doesn't have the energy.

Outside the rain is pouring, he loves the rain. It makes him calm. The sun always make him sweat, he hates not covering himself up. The fabric on his skin calms him, no one can see his ugly body.
He doesn't have one body pic on his phone, he doesn't understand those people who claim to have body dysmorphia and still have so many bikini pictures on themselves.
Louis doesn't even own a mirror, he refused to buy one because they were expensive he told his mom. When he really didn't want to check himself out, not even on accident.
The mirror in his bathroom is painted with flowers, so he can only focus on what he wants to.

All sudden Louis is caught off by his phone, a notification from Grinder. He never uses it, no one swipes on him. Well I think one person did, but Louis thought that guy was ugly and probably had strange kinks.
Now he opens Grinder and sees he got a like, he nearly drops his phone when he sees who it is. He shuts it off, he can't believe it. He doesn't wanna believe it.

Him.

The green eyed boy, it must been an accident. But the like is still there, it's still fucking there.
His fingers are shaking as he scrolls through his pictures, he looks so cute. Three pictures, one with a cute dog. Must be his.
The other picture he is playing guitar on a boat,

" does he own a damn boat? " Louis says to himself quietly.

He is just in his swimming shorts and a shirt, a butterfly tattoo and some Lauren leaves underneath. He looks so hot.

Last one is a selfie, in a mirror. Only in gymshorts, his whole body is covered in sweat. His abs are pumping, biceps and chest. Everything makes Louis hot.
He also notice the hair hiding under his shorts, pubic hair is such a turn on for Louis, which he doesn't understand at all. It's a weird kink. He thinks.
He looks at his name, Harry. Harry fucking Styles. That sounds like an artist name, like someone who is like Freddie mercury or something like that. But he likes it. Alot.

Louis doesn't like back, he's too shy. It will be embarrassing if they see each other at work. What will he say? It's embarrassing even now? If he meets Harry again tomorrow what will he do? Let Niall run the cashier this time, so he can work in the kitchen. He can survive that. Great. A nice plan.
~~~~

When he arrives at work he meet Simon the first second he steps into the cafe', Louis tries to avoid talking to him. He finds Simon creepy, once he told Louis he loved watching teenage porn. It creeped him out so much, he told the boss but nothing happened. He stayed quiet ever since that.

" Louis sorry but Nialls sick, cashier and dishes today "

Fuck.

If Harry comes in today he might actually faint, maybe from not eating but mostly from embarrassment. Why did Harry think this was a smart move? Louis thinks he need to delete that fucking app. Today, now.

Louis nods and take the apron around his waist, he doesn't tie it tight. He doesn't want anyone to see his figure, he would rather die than having anyone seeing his fat.

He stands behind that damn cashier, he would rather be home now. In his bed. Or in his bathroom cutting. He wants pain. Even more pain than he already has.

The door opens, he can't stand seeing who it is. He already knows. It's Harry, he knows it's him. God hates him and sent Harry.
He is ready to face him, to face the embarrassment.

When he turns his face into the costumers direction he sees it's not him, it's Mary. A 95 year old woman, she comes here every Saturday. Always at 11 o clock, to have her weekly coffee and flapjack. Every Saturday for 2 years Louis has seen her, accept that time she apparently spent a week at the hospital after falling down her stairs. He was shocked it wasn't worse.

" Hi Love, do you have the Flapjacks I always have? " she ask calmly, Louis fonds. He sometimes wishes she was his grandmother, she seems so lovely and caring. Not that his grandmother wasn't caring, but Mary just seems so warm. He once got a hug from her so he knows she's warm, not cold like elderly people usually are.

" Of course we do " Louis says with a smile on his face, Mary smiles back and hands him the cash.

" You guys never disappoint me "

Mary sits down and and Louis handle another costumer quickly, he has an eye on her since she is old. You never know what will happen, they fall without any warnings.

As Louis handle Marys coffee and Flapjack she grabs his hand, he freezes. Knowing shes close to his wrist that he slashed the other night. She strokes it lightly.

" You are such a lovely boy, wish I had a grandson like you " she says with her shaky voice, her bottom lip is shaking too.

Louis bites his lip and tries to smile, it's an ugly smile. Now she probably regrets saying that.

" Well you are a lovely lady " Louis answers.

He rushes back to the cashier without it looking like he was rushing, Louis didn't know what to say. Why would anyone wanna have him as grandson? He's a disgusting piece of shit.

Louis sits down and take a sip out of his waterbottle, that's what keeps him going. And the piece of toast earlier. The hungerpains are killing him, but he deserves it. So bad.

He door rings, he shoots up and suddenly hits his head. It's a loud bang, embarrassing. He thinks. The café gets quiet, fuck fuck fuck.

He rubs the place he hits and looks up, now he wishes he hit his head harder so he didn't have to go through this.

" Hello " his voice is familiar, Louis knows that voice. But he wishes he didn't.

" Hi "

It's Harry.

Still so sorry about my horrible grammar, I blame my swedish genes.