CUPID | narancia ghirga

𝐬𝐢𝐱 - 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐩𝐚

The concept of human touch has always been an otherworldly abstraction for the likes of me. How is one possible to wholeheartedly rejoice at physical closure coming from the same species? Holding hands, kissing, is that something that should naturally spark joy? I can unambiguously say that for years, not a soul has made me undergo exuberant behavior but him. 

I recall feeling the same way towards my raven memory with amethyst eyes, but they are long gone together with the remains of a lost love.

Though before my thoughts could take me any further away from reality, the even breaths on my shoulder I had withstood all night, grew odd. Narancia had woken up but refrained from moving, his arms still snaked along my body and head dug deep into my trapezius. It felt comically compelling having his face this close to mine.

We were both aware we were awake and did not mind this closure. He provided a warmth I felt drawn to. It was comfortable. But it did not last much longer. "Good morning" He spoke to the crook of my neck before letting go from my frame. I must admit, my heart yearned for the boy to remain closer.

 "Good morning" I could only reply, saddened. 

We shared a smile as we both rested on the mattress, still half asleep. Narancia brought himself closer to me, not daring to touch, but sharing the same heat. He proceeded to slowly reach his hands to my face, prying away a few strands of hair that hid before my timid eyes.

"Do I make you uncomfortable?" He uttered, barely loud enough for me to hear.

I recall reading an article about guilt. The word's description by the dictionary follows: A self-conscious emotion that involves negative evaluations of the self, feelings of distress, and feelings of failure. 

Guilt is that suffocating, heavy feeling in your chest after hurting a friend. Guilt is not being able to concentrate on the task at hand, leading you to fail your peers's expectations. Guilt is the foreboding nightmare of never being enough, the feeling of a growing hornet's nest inside your chest, penetrating your lungs and infesting your body; small hornets swimming along your bloodstream, breaking down what is left of your humanity.

Why did I feel such guilt? Why do I make people feel as if they weren't enough? 

"I'm sorry it's just that- I enjoy being close but always seem to pry yourself away whenever I try holding your hand or having you close" I could see Narancia's sorrow hiding behind those eyes, those beautiful eyes, enough to swallow me whole.

"Narancia never will I ever bear any hatred towards your touch" 

My breath hitched.

"I have longed for your touch from the moment we locked eyes"

Yet I cannot say I love you.

He seemed taken back, astounded even, and without an ounce of hesitation he threw himself over my whole body, slyly warping his arms around my lombar. "How come I love you so much?" He laughed, and for a moment my life felt complete.

As the afternoon rolled around, Narancia left and father commented on how close we seemed to each other, yet I could only ponder; why am I unable to utter the three words to show my adoration towards him? Why am I unable to express my love?

I am still to ponder on my feelings as they rock me back and fourth like the waves of sea, reckless but gentle, eternal but fierce. I wish to love him. I wish to adore him. Yet my mortal body holds me back.

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votes are highly appreciated !

A.N.:
I truly hope you are
able to perceive Coda's
feelings. A child who was
so restricted to feel nothing
by a figure who was supposed
to care, to the point where
feeling anything at all is too
much. 

Coda is not able to say 'I
love you', because growing
up they barely heard it
themselves.

Their feeling of guilt
comes as a pair. Is Coda really
this unlovable to the point of
making other people guilty?