Regrets

Before

I have far to many regrets in my life. I regret things from so long ago it's a faint memory. I regret the things I had to miss out on. I regret not doing things. I regret so much every day its suffocating. Sometimes without her to talk to. Without her by my side whenever I need. I tend to let those regrets take over. The night hides my angry tears. I cry and cry over things I could have done better or things I could have done without doing. When I'm alone at night or just stuck with my thoughts in my eyes no ones around even if I'm on something like a busy bus in the afternoon. In these moments tears threaten to escape from my eyes as I do everything I can for them not to. Their are times I can do nothing but cry and even threw crying. I can look at someone and just smile through tears telling them. "I'm fine something just got in my eye." Sometimes they believed it but some people could read me all too well she could always read me somehow I never knew how or why. She could see the pain I hid behind the smile everyone sees as real. She and she alone could make my mask crack and break apart showing how I truly am.  She can make me actually smile no matter how much at that moment I just wanted to cry until I passed out. I look at how we are now and hope and pray to whatever god there is that this one won't leave me to die like others have. She was able to tear down my walls, make herself a home inside of them as I took time to repair them to protect her. I have been told time and time again that "Just because you love her now you might not later in the future as you grow up." And what do I say to that? Nothing. Not to their face but as I'm listening to them speak I'm thinking about everything I wish I could say. I wish I could snap at someone and show them I'm not a scared defenseless child. And so what if I actually am. I have built my walls so high that so far one person has been able to scale them and react the inside of them. Inside my walls its dark. Horribly dark. Filled with regrets, exhaustion, tears that still wish for escape, and at its center. Is where I keep her safe from everything inside my walls. I built a special set of walls just for her. All I want to do for her is protect her. I regret every moment that I am unable to keep her safe. She is worth every sacrifice.