The Words That Made Me

Empty

I finished watching Heartstopper on Netflix last week. I then read all of the graphic novels and one of the two novellas last night. 

I feel empty.

That's not true. I don't feel empty but I do feel like I've lost something. I've come to the realization, no realization is a bad word. I have known it but I haven't faced it. I've faced the fact that I did not have a teen romance. There was never a boyfriend waiting for me at my locker after class. I did not get to wear someone's jersey at the football games. My prom date meant nothing to me, she was my friend and she meant a lot to me as a friend . . . but, there were no butterflies in my stomach as we danced. We did not share a kiss at the end of the first slow dance. I did not lose my virginity on prom night, I did not make photos of us my home screen. I will never know the young love that  Nick and Charlie got to experience. I was too busy, no. No, it is not my fault that I did not experience young love. I tried. I went on dates, I flirted with guys that I thought might possibly be maybe gay, to my own suffering. I had a few boyfriends. The first I could hardly refer to as a "boyfriend". He was, rather, someone who manipulated me. Who told me he wasn't cheating on his girlfriend by kissing me in the bathroom between classes because "It's the same plumbing so it's not cheating." We had sex, frequently, long before I was ready. We had sex because he wanted to, and he showed me attention so I didn't say no. We had sex because the closest thing I knew to other gay people were the shit movies that were made in the early 2000's, movies like "Longhorns". Movies where gay people are sad, they have sex and they're not sad anymore. I had a lot of sex, and despite what those movies tell you. I'm still sad. We carried on like that, on and off, but largely for about 7 years. We would not talk, we would plan to hangout. I would give him head, he would hangout for maybe half an hour after, he would kiss me and then he would leave. He would text me when he got home he would text me and tell me we should hangout again soon. I wouldn't hear from him for a couple weeks. 

When I was 14 I was sick of waiting. The only other gay kid I knew wanted nothing but occasional sex every three weeks but I wanted more. I downloaded Grindr.

I should not have been on grindr at that age. 

At 16 I actually started using the app, I set my age to 18. I was clearly not 18 but that did not matter.