I'm Still Longing

I Should Have...I Shouldn't Have

(I know I said chapters would be longer but I'm working some stuff out on how I wanna set this up so short frequent updates will probably be what I'm doing for a bit.)

Edward couldn't seem to let go of Stede. His hands clasped tightly around the other's waist and his face buried into his neck. The only words he could get out were thousands of 'I'm sorry's' followed by many repeats of 'how can I fix this'. And truthfully? Stede knew there was no easy fix. Only time could heal what had been broken. Deep down he had forgiven Ed but he was still upset for his crew. Especially seeing Pete so distraught. For now though he knew Edwards grief was payment enough for him. He'd have to face the crew on his own eventually. But not tonight.

Stede led him to the area his bed used to be. There was still a mattress that had been stripped of blankets and pillows but that didn't matter. He just wanted to sit with him comfortably. His hands were gentle as he pulled away from Ed, one hand moved to cup his face and he sighed. "For tonight I'd like to forget about this all and just be with you. These past 24 months have been rough but they look like they've nearly killed you. So may I care for you? Would you allow that?" Stede said in a gentle tone.

"I really don't deserve that." Edward whimpered his overwhelming self hate rearing its ugly head.

"It's not about what you think you do and don't deserve. It's just about you and I." Stede said quietly .

Some would say he forgave too easily. That he should have shown Edward the same brutality he was met with when he was stabbed. Stede didn't think that would get them any closer to a solution. He wasn't one to strike back - he was too caring. They had wasted two years and he was determined to mend Edward. His Edward. Back together. And should the crew turn on him for it he would not only understand. But he would leave, with ed, without a fight.

As Ed's crying came to an end Stede stood up to grab a rag and dampened it. He returned to the others side and pulled him close, wiping away the dark smudges that covered his eyes and chin. It was a soft moment between the two. Intimate and caring. As he finished he looked at Ed's face and sighed, "There he is. There's my darling."

Ed melted. He spent so long being Blackbeard for everyone else. The cruel and unrelenting pirate Captain everyone expected him to be. Deep down though? He was still the passionate, loving man that Stede had fell for in the first place. Ed's eyes softened and his body finally relaxed. For the first time in a very long time, he felt like himself. Despite what he thought Edward Teach was not dead - he was just dormate.

"I spent this whole time thinking you abandoned me...over and over I thought that you didn't really love me. I felt so pathetic ... so I became what I thought I was. A monster. The kraken. It was easier than believing you didn't want me. I should have gone looking for you when you didn't show up, I -" Ed was cut off by stede pressing his lips to his. It was soft but passionate. Like he couldn't hold himself back any longer.

"Can I be honest Ed? You should have looked for me...I should have left sooner than I did...you shouldn't have tossed Lucius overboard...I shouldn't have returned to my family." He paused and shook his head. "There's a million things we should have done differently- but we didn't. And there is no way to fix that. So instead of focusing on that..perhaps we focus on rebuilding ? On fixing what we broke?"

Edward thought for a moment and nodded, he grasped Stede's hands and sighed. "Okay. We'll fix this...as best as we can."

"As best as we can." Stede repeated.