Hurt Hearts

chapter-1

Another bourbon. Neat" I repeat my order to the waiter.
It has been an hour I have been drinking and I don't know how long since crying.
Why did he have to do that?
Wasn't once enough?
How the fuck could he just waltz back in?
Why is my fate like this?
WHY?!
I wipe another tear off and take a sip of my drink. It feels as if I gulped a ball of fire but this fire doesn't hurt. The one in my heart does. And it, it hurts like fuck.
I slump down on my table feeling drowsy.
Maybe I should stop.
I have had way too much.
I need to drive back home.
Ah fuck it aarushi
Relax
Relax
"How much have you had?" A voice asks me angrily.
I take in a deep sigh. I know who it is. I could travel to the end of the world. Hear a million more voices and still not forget his. The voice which was the reason of my happiness is the one because of whom am drinking.
The fire I drank comes out of my mouth as I ask,"why the fuck do you care haan?! Leave na. Isn't that what you are good at?! So fucking do that!"
A flash of hurt crosses his face and I gulp down at the poison I just spat out. I almost feel bad for saying that to him and hurting him but I harden immediately as I think of the agony he has left me in.
I grab the leftover drink in my glass and the momentarily hurt that flashed in his eyes now masks off under the anger as he says a firm NO to me. He grabs my wrist and I swear it brings the electricity back in. I hold back my tears and forcefully withdraw of his hand. I slam the glass on the table and it breaks into shards. Those shards, they pierce in my hand and blood oozes out. Fuck. What have I done? And this had to happen all infront of him? Shows how mature I have gotten.
"Fuck aroo what have you done?!" He hisses at me as he grabs my hand. My eyes soften and I look at him as I wanna take that one moment of weakness. Just one. And look at him intently. I am looking at him after so long. Is it wrong to take a glance at him even though he has caused me the ache? He is mine. No. He was mine. Aroo let go. Let go. Please. I finally knock into my senses and close my eyes, grab my purse and head towards the door with clouded eyes. "I have to go" I say.
I hear him shouting and coming after me and I run. I don't want to be chased by him. I want him to let go of me. Let me run off. I do. Don't I?
I approach my car and reach for the handle but he just grabs my hand.
"Aarushi have you lost it?! You are injured so badly. A fucking shard of glass cut right through your palm and you are gonna drive back home in this condition?? Moreover you are drunk. At 11.30 in an unknown bar. Real mature of you."
I didn't make eye contact with him but as soon as he said that it was real mature of me I snapped.
"Oh yeah? Well am immature who are you then haan? What you did was real mature haan? Just FYI, I have been managing well on my own from the past years. Without you. You can't come into my life just one fine evening and command me and tell ne how IRRESPONSIBLY am living!"
"Am irresponsible I agree. What about the guy you were with hn? He just left you to get drunk? He loved you didn't he? And still he did so? Where is he?"
I shut my eyes trying to regain strength as I hiss back at him "yes he does. He fucking loves me. And he proposed me aaj. But I fucking said no. And all because of you. ALL BECAUSE OF YOU. ALL BECAUSE OF YOU" I scream at him and my tears finally break loose as I can't keep them in any more and I shout and shout and hit him on his chest and keep on hitting him. He deserves it. HE FUCKING DESERVES IT. He did this all to me. Everything. He made me this.
He just pulls me immediately into a hug and I sob into his chest. I sob like a baby in his chest and hug him back and for a moment i forget it. He cooed at me and kisses my forehead a lot of times to calm me down.
I don't know when he pulls me out of the hug but by then I have stopped crying. I sniffle at him and look at his shirt which is now a mess of my tears and blood.
"Let me take you home aroo.Please don't refuse. You need it. Please" he begs me and I plainly nod at him in understanding. He heaves a sigh of  relief and he motions towards my car. I head and finally since am a little calm, I Iook at my wound. It's deep and blood is still oozing. I take my scarf and try to wrap it around my palm.
"Fuck!" I scream in anger because of my repeated failure. Couldn't even tie a scarf!
I keep trying again and again and groan in frustration. He sneaks glances at me and I know he wants to say something..damn it!
I stare at my scarf murderously and he finally says," May I?"
"No thanks" I spat.
He has a look of helplessness on his face and I feel the car halting. He switches on the light, grabs my hand and says, "aroo don't be stubborn let me"
I feel reluctant but as soon as he held my hand, i let go. He gratefully takes my hand and examines the wound. He gets off and I wonder why. He comes back with his wet hankie and wipes the blood away. He takes my scarf and begins to tie it tightly on my palm. I hiss as it hurts and he says " Am sorry if it hurts but it needs to be tight aroo" I don't meet him in the eye and keep staring at the wound. It feels easier than looking at him in the eye.
He strictly knowing his boundaries just ties the scarf around my hand and blood stops oozing out. He meets me in the eye and passes me a sad smile. I try to find words in the voice hiding beside my throat and finally say thankyou. I feel grateful that my voice came out in words and he just gives me his handsome smile and I swear, for one moment,I melt. I melt like that old stupidious aarushi who just needed a smile to smile but the reality right now isn't so pleasing. And the reality, it hurts. It hurts that we became this. I became a cold over ambitious self reserved person and him? I don't know about him. I wanted to know but guess I didn't have the courage in the end.
I snap from my thoughts as he shuts the car door and I come back to where I was.
I stare lifelessly out of the window into the deep dark abyss. I look at the stars and the moon and the breeze blowing and I remember the dialogue, "What a waste of a lovely night". I think about anything and everything and how I screamed at him that it was him because of whom I fucked up what I was gonna have today and how he took care of me and how I have became a person who uses alcohol to deal with pain. Everything.
It feels weird that we are so close yet so far and how we have do much going on between us and yet nothing. It feels weird. Uncanny. Bizarre.
He breaks the silence first. "Does your date know about your location?"
I realise that yes he too has been thinking about him and at all I said. He wants to know everything and yet he knows he hasn't yet any right over it. Over none of it. Old aarushi would have used this as a way to tease him and make him regret but now, life is already too complicated to mess more with.
"No he doesn't. I told him to leave me alone."
"Why would you say that?" He asks out of curiosity. I take a deep long sigh and say "We both liked each other. He proposed today and I said no'' I convey simply emotionlessly.
And I whisper to myself "because I realised today that I couldn't like him enough. Just not enough as I have always loved you."