a jar of hearts (Taegyu)

7: depreciation

     Beomgyu didn’t know what he was doing wrong.

     That was a lie.

     The first of the numerous lies he was telling himself. He understood precisely what he was doing wrong and he was dealing with it by simply not dealing with it. It was his constant, toxic coping mechanism. Could he even call that a coping mechanism? It wasn’t accommodating him with anything; in fact, the thought of him disregarding his problems only induced more pressure to them, making him feel even worse in his own body.

     In a way, he felt he wasn’t himself anymore. As if his soul had likely withdrawn from his being. When did he change so drastically? When did he, of all people, become the type to contest with others just to please himself?

     Not only that, but it was also the fact that his comfort—his home, was actively eluding him. Beomgyu was confident that Soobin was mad at him. Though, if you’d have asked Soobin if he was adorning that spiteful feeling, he would dismiss it.

     Beomgyu knew him. He perceived he was the type to drive away any malicious principles or feelings and mask them with something lighter. Sometimes he wished Soobin would just walk up to him and scream ‘I fucking hate you for that’ instead of trying to convince everyone that it wasn’t his true intention.

     Except, it was. Beomgyu understood it. He knew it from the day after they fought when Soobin didn’t text him to check up on him. It was a casual task he’d do for almost everyone he knew, a mere ‘how are you?’ every day. When he didn’t receive that familiar message, he knew he was in the wrong.

     And if it wasn’t obvious enough, Yeonjun had outright stalked up to him and told him how shitty he’d been, because of course, Soobin told him. The two had little to no secrets between them. Beomgyu was exhilarated that Soobin had someone like that since he failed so miserably to play that therapeutic role. He failed as a decent friend.

     Of course, Yeonjun wasn’t solely angry with him. At most, he was disappointed. It didn’t make it any better, though. The elder didn’t make any effort to talk to him, leaving him to his own until he figured everything out. Beomgyu knew this was on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to get up and fix the damage he’d done.

     He didn’t know how. He didn’t know where to start. He didn’t know if he deserved the chance.

     After a few days of no communication, Hueningkai texted him saying he was on his way and came beating at his door. Beomgyu dreaded opening it for him because he had the lingering feeling that he’d get another lecture. He didn’t need another person to let him know how severely he’d acted. He was hard enough on himself.

     With a heavy body and mind, Beomgyu dragged himself to the door, repeating an apology in his head that he could recite before he’d lash out on him.

     “Kai, I know I fucked up with Soobin—“

     He hugged him.

     As soon as he’d creaked the door open and commenced his practised speech, Kai launched himself at Beomgyu, circling his arms around his shoulders and holding him tight. He didn’t say a word, hoping his intentions would be loud enough through his actions.

     And they were. God, they were.

     That was the first time he’d properly cried since his fourth heart faded.

     As soon as Kai whispered ‘You’ll be okay’, the first tear fell and, after that, they wouldn’t stop coming. No matter how vigorously he tried to take it all back, he couldn’t. All he could do was let it tumble.