Wasting (5sos L.h -anorexia)

0.1

Luke

January is a cold month. My whole life I loved cold weather. I enjoyed the atmosphere of icy air and flushed cheeks. Couples holding gloved hands and friends wearing matching hats. Skinny dogs with ridiculous coats and irrelevant fairy lights in every store. What I loved most was coming back into a warm house, sitting in my room with my laptop whilst eating cereal or something. But right now I'm sitting in my room, wrapped in 6 blankets with an un-opened granola bar. 

The house lost its happiness and warmth since my father died. My mother had locked herself in her room since the day of the phone call and hasn't come out since. She doesn't pay bills and doesn't buy food. It explains no heating and now only 5 bars of granola left.

-

Like for everyone, seeing one of your parents funeral is pretty traumatic. 

As we gathered around the coffin, I watched my family. I've never been sadder in my life. It wasn't even the part about my dad. Like I said before, he was never there, if I was to die he wouldnt even show up- but all the happiness in my mother just drained out. The day I nearly suffocated was also the day her eyes lost the happy sparkle they always had. Her lips forgot how to curve into a smile. Her skin stopped glowing with health. She lost herself. You can tell she loved him still after all these years of him being a complete twat. I mean, when I was a child, whilst my father was at the bar, she would tell me stories about how they fell in love and their whole love story. 
How he fought for her in high school and how he searched for her in all the universities in the country. (England is small af) . How he showed up at 3am at her door crying for her back. How they danced under the eifel tower whilst a random man attempted at busking. But she would never admit that their love died the second I was born. There was always a good side to my father that I never got the chance to see. 

I got called up for my eulogy.

I saw movies and read books where loved ones were proud of the lost one. They would name all the good memories they had together.  Well I couldn't do that. So I improvised.

"I never thought I'd be doing this so soon" 
I began nervously, instantly regretting what I said.
"Okay so. 
I never had the best relationship with my dad......"
I thought hard about what to say next to not seem like a complete asshole on my own fathers funeral.

Too late.

"Okay. So maybe I never rode my bike in the park whilst he ran by my side. Maybe I never watched any sport on tv with him, whilst obnoxiously yelling to random players to ran faster. Maybe I never got to awkwardly talk about girl problems with him. Maybe I never got purposely embarrassed in front of my friends. Maybe I never got prep- talks before each sports day....."
I stopped to force back tears.
"Maybe...maybe I never went to school on 'father and son days'. And maybe, I never even got that damn old shirt to use in art class during preschool".
I lifted my head to look at my mom.
"BUT, I always knew I had my precious mom. And all I'd like to thank for, dad, is for giving my mom the first few romantic years of love any person could ask for. I just wish you showed it to her until your last day. 
Thank you. Goodbye."

I cautiously walked down the stairs.
And burst into tears.

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Omg luukkeee :'((
Tbh I feel like this is cringe, so I apologize! Lmao.
Tell me what you think!
Thank and love you
Xxxxx