Nathan promised he wouldnt take the drugs, as long as I promised him somethng: I wouldn't talk to James. He already knew him and I talked, but he didn't like it. And I respected that.
I hadn't really spoken to James in a long time actually, but Nathan didn't want it so I wouldn't do it.
Whatever kept him from doing drugs.
He promised me he wouldn't take them, but he also warned me he was going to be sad and sickly without them.
"It's okay," I told him, "it'll make you stronger."
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*ding*
"New message!"
James: "heyy what's up I haven't..."
Fuck.
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I didn't have he heart to admit to Nathan that I was talking to James still. I couldn't help it. I felt awfully rude not replying, and as much as I hated to admit it, the kid was my friend.
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Minutes turned to hours texting James.
The conversation had moved from playful teasing and talking, to something a little more serious. We talked about our lives and our futures. I liked it. I liked these types of conversations. I liked James.
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11:47 pm
3 hours texting James.
The conversation had suddenly turned dark.
We both admitted our sadness and our need and desire to feel love from someone. Angela had been neglecting, and Nathan had been miserable. I guess that just left James and I alone,
Together.
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Something inside me changed.
I felt compassion, pity, sadness, remorse...
Love,
For James.
"It's just my sympathy. It's not real feelings," I said as I replied to one of his borderline flirty texts.
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The words were 3,
Very few.
They meant a lot,
When said by you.
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12:02 am
I had never sexted before in my life.
I never intended on it either.
I never imagined I would ever be that girl.
I prayed I would never become so needy for attention.
James had sexted me, a lot.
I blamed him.
I was mad at him.
It was his fault,
But as much as mine.
He had texted a lot of passionate, powerful stuff.
I should've walked away. I should've shut off my phone and gone to sleep. I should've never texted back.
But there I was. Cuddled up in bed. Clinging to the words of his last text. Letting the words wash over me. Feeling them. Imagining him.
And suddenly,
I was no longer myself.
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5:41 am
It was Saturday.
I didn't sleep that night.
I had stayed up until at least 3am "talking" to James.
I felt sick.
I wanted to die.
What had I done?
Who had I become?
I pulled the covers over my head and cried the night away
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7:44 am
*ding*
New message!
Grace: "omg omg I have the best news..."
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So Grace had moved on nicely.
For a while she'd been hung up on her long distance ex, Dillon. She always blamed herself for not being good enough for him, but he was a total dick and lost out with her. Now she was talking about this boy Kevin, he seemed nice.
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I didn't tell Grace or Nathan about James.
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What would they think of me?
Whore
Slut
Attention obsession
Home wrecker...
Oh god. James had a girlfriend. And I had a boyfriend.
What the fuck had I done!?
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"We can never do that again it was wrong and weird and I can't do it again. I'm with Nathan, you're with Angela. If they knew, they'd kill us. Besides, it was really late, some things, some choice words, were said without meaning. We were just sleep deprived and lonely. It meant nothing. Okay?"
Sent.
Delivered.
Read.
James is typing...
James is typing...
James is typing...
"I meant what I said. I do love you. And I love Angie too, but it's different with you. I can be myself. I don't need to be a knight in shining armor, I can be in my own skin. I'm myself around you. Nathan can never know. No one can okay?"
I sighed.
"Okay..." I replied
"Haha sooo... About last night... Are you really into that kinda stuff? ;)))"
Oh my god, fuck my life.
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That weekend I avoided talking to Nathan. He would know I was guilty of something.
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Perfect timing. Another flame from the past called me.
He left a message on my answering machine.
"Hey it's Jake. We haven't spoken since... "Stuff" happened. Just wanted to see how you're doing. I'm not doing so hot... Yeah... I really miss talking to you. I'm sorry. Please call me, if you can. Bye."
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Jake. That name still sent shivers up my spine. It was probably the worst relationship I had ever been in. When I heard his voice on the answering machine, the memories came rushing back.
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Jake was an average heighted guy, big muscles, and fluffy brown hair and blue eyes. He had a nose piercing, and always wore ripped tie-dye muscle shirts. "Total dooche," I thought when I first saw him.
Jake was older. I was 13 when he was 15. It was the summer before I had dated John. Anyway... Jake and I met at design school. I was there to design the clothing, and Jake was there to model it. When I selected him as my model, I found him the cutest, it was already clear we would have fun. He strutted over, making a face at me. I could only compare it to the 😛 emoji. It's still my favorite emoji.
Jake had a bit of a mustache and a scruff on his chin.
"Nice hipster scruff..." I said jokingly, gesturing to my chin.
Jake touched his face. "The fuck!? I shave everyday! I swear I don't always look like a homeless..." He pulled up a chair and sat in it backwards. He was cool. I liked him. But I got right into business.
"Uh, um... We're going for a dark and brooding look..." I said, showing him my sketches. I proceeded to talk about the outfit. Jake nodded but reached over and touched my legs, which were crossed.
I shivered at his unexpected touch.
"Hey," he said, his blue eyes locked on mine, "relax a little bit." He pushed my legs down so they were side by side. He leaned in again and brushed the hair out of my face. I blushed and looked down.
"Jackie," he said, gently tilting my chin up, "you have beautiful eyes."
And that's where it began.
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I liked to think of my relationship with Jake as this cutesie little summer love thing. I never expected a 7 month commitment. Whatever. We were inseparable. And he was a great guy, I thought. He was strong and powerful, but at the same time very gentle. He wasn't all that artistic, but he was a great singer and guitar player. He always sang me songs, strumming out on his acoustic.
He was my first real true love.
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One day we were laying out in the field, on the outskirts of the camp, avoiding activities. He was stretched out with his hands across his chest, his head next to mine.
"you'd look good in white..." He took my hand in his, and my heart fluttered.
"What do you mean?" I asked
He shrugged. "Like... A wedding dress..."
I sat up and looked at him, he was sincere. I started laughing and I hugged him. We stayed in the field and hugged for a while, watching the hours passing, out in the sun.
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It happened on his birthday. It was the after party. He had thrown this huge party, inviting all his closest school friends. There must've been at least 200 people at his house.
His house was this huge lake house, with a pool and hot tub. His aunt, who he was living with over the summer, was very rich.
There were a lot of girls at the party, and I worried they looked better than me, but I was in this flirty short little black cocktail dress, and he told me I looked good.
It was 2 days before our 8 month anniversary. Just thought that might matter.
He was partying hard, drinking a little and maybe his older friends passed him a blunt. Whatever the case, he was not himself. He was acting weird and hyper and tired at the same time. His best friend, Gaitlin, offered to take him upstairs. But Jake wanted me to help him to his room. I put one of his arms around my shoulders and he put one arm around my waist. At least we had been active at the gym together, and I could support him.
I half carried him up the stairs, and pushed the door to his room open with my foot. Once inside, he fell face first onto his bed. I closed the door and sat down on the edge of his bed. He started laughing into the bed, and rolled over on his side and kept laughing. I smiled and felt his forehead. He had a fever.
He held my hand on his forehead "oh, you feel so good, your hands are so soft and cold,"
I tried to pull my hand away, but he wouldn't let me. Instead he pulled me closer to him. I didn't like this. It wasn't playful, it was weird, and a result of whatever he was on.
"Uh, Jake, let me go. You need to sleep."
He whimpered. "Jackieeeeeee, stay with me a little longer...!" He made a pouty face.
"Maybe when you're normal later," I said, freeing my hand, turning to go.
"Jackie!" He said jumping up. He ran in front of the door, blocking my exit.
"Jake... Move. Please."
He smiled and got up close to me. I could smell his breath from far away, this was front row experience.
"But I'm the birthday boy..." He said with a mischievous smile. He pressed up close to me. His hips pressing against mine. I wasn't comfortable with this. Not at all. He leaned in and tried to kiss me. I turned away from him. This was NOT going to be my first kiss.
"Not with that breath..." I muttered. I detached from him and tried to move him out of the way. I reached for the door knob, when he outstretched his hand and grabbed my arm. Hard.
"Ow Jake! Let me go!"
He shook his head, his face had a dead serious expression on it.
"No, stay." He said demandingly.
I relaxed a little bit. "Jake, I have to go, and you need sleep."
But he didn't like that. "You're leaving me!" He screamed. He let go of me and turned around, covering his face with his hands. I didn't feel safe. He was acting very weird.
"Jake...?" I asked, touching him on the shoulder lightly. I didn't have time to see it coming.
In an instant, he turned around and slapped me across the face. Hard. I wasn't expecting or prepared, so I fell over. The blow was powerful and my face was immediately numb. The pain was too much. I started to cry. I picked myself up and ran out of the room, Jake calling after me.
I ran downstairs and found Gaitlin and asked he take me home. He asked why, but I removed my hand, revealing the red mark across the side of my face, and he understood. Jake came rushing down he stairs after me.
"Jackie, please I'm sorry I didn't mean..." He pleaded.
Gaitlin stepped between him and I.
"Jake, you need to calm down. You just fucked up, royally." Gaitlin was trying to move him back.
"NO!" He screamed. "NO! JACKIE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" I looked at him, my one eye blurry. We locked eyes once more, his blue eyes puffed up. Tears rolled down his cheeks. He looked a mess. He was shaking, furious and sad at the same time.
Gaitlin turned to me and told me to get in his truck outside.
I turned away to leave.
"NO! NO DONT DO THIS TO ME! I NEED YOU! I NEED YOU DONT LEAVE ME! PLEASE! JACKIE!!"
I started to cry as his screams got louder. The last thing I saw was him being carried away by some friends. Gaitlin rushed over to me and escorted me outside. That was the last I had talked to Jake, for a long time.
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Hearing his voice brought back so many memories.
I picked up my phone and texted James. He was just like Jake, and I wouldn't make that mistake again.
"Fuck you! This is over! We made a huge mistake and I'm done with you! You're a bad person don't ever talk to me again!"
Sent.
Delivered.
Read.
James is typing...
"Your boyfriends already making the situation bad enough!"
"Wtf does that mean?" I asked. I was furious.
James sent me a screenshot of a text conversation, between him and Nathan. Nathan and him had talked before, and now Nathan was cursing him out, telling him to stop talking to me forever or else.
"Great," I said to myself. "JUST FUCKING GREAT! This is EXACTLY what I need right now!" I threw myself on my bed and called Nathan.
"Hello, Jackie?" He answered.
I loved hearing his voice.
"Hey," I answered, "can you come pick me up? We need to talk..."
